HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my shining little readers, it is I, Beth Sinclair and boy do I have things to tell you! It seems like forever ago that I got to talk to all my little Beth-heads out there.
Well, I must admit that I have been a little lazy for the past few months, but for good reason. Are you ready for this? Really? I. Am. A. MOMMY! Yes, you read that right. Little old me, now has a little something to call her own. Actually, I should say I have three little things to call my own. See, with all these celebrities out there adopting babies from these horrible third-world countries, I just couldn’t stand idly by. I had to act. So like Brangalina I first got me a little Cambodian boy and named him Greg. Get it? Greg? Branglina’s little ball of Cambodian fury is named Maddox. Get it now? Greg? Maddox? Greg Maddox? Only the hunkiest hunk to ever put on a pair of stripped stretch pants and pitch for the New York Mets? I can tell you, Greggy (the Met, not my new baby) can pitch me his “Split Finger Fastball” anytime he wants.
I was happy with Greg (the baby) until I read how Madonna had to go and adopt that little ebony angel from Malawi. Now I’m not one who usually tries to keep up with the Jones’s but I couldn’t just stand there and let the Material Girl show that she was a better humanitarian than me. I mean come on. I’ve made sandwiches for homeless people. I’ve been the “meat” in a sandwich of homeless people. So I went out and got myself another little bundle of joy. I named this one Admiral Artimis Buckminster III. And let me tell you, if I weren’t already on probation for cannibalism, I could just eat him up. Just kidding. Now just last week, figuring I’d jump on the forefront, I went ahead and picked up another baby. I got myself a little girl from French Canada, because if I know my Hollywood trends, and I do, French Canada is going to be the next hotbed of celebrity adoptions. You just watch.
Anyways, now that I have my big happy family, it’s time to start thinking about the upcoming Holiday season. This year, like all the other years in the past, I have kept my nose to the ground, much like the mythical bloodhound, trying to dig up all the hottest trends in Holiday goodness. What follows are my tips for making your parties better than anything you have ever experienced. Hopefully you wont drink so much that you’ll start acting crazy. It’s OK Mel, I still love ya and you can count on me being at your Chanukah party.
Food: You all know me, and you should know that if there’s one thing that I like more than men, (and the occasional drunk and confused woman), it’s food. I love eating. I can, and often will, eat all day long. Now everyone always does the traditional turkey, ham or duck, but those have so been done. For my first big party of the year I’m taking a page out Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz’s book by having a “Gummy Bear Pre-Thanksgiving Throw Down.” Now when Camtin (that’s my little mash up name for Cameron and Justin) have their Gummy Bear party, they don’t go out and buy normal, everyday Gummy Bears, and neither will I. Heavens no. Me and Camtin will only provide our guests with the finest Gummy Bears made out of the souls of virgins. If you’ve never had a Virgin Soul Gummy Bear, you don’t know what you’re missing! And just like the saying about black men, one you go Virgin Soul, you never go back. And believe me I haven’t on either front.
Seeing how the Virgin Soul Gummy Bears are a bit on the pricey side, I’ll throw in one of my own tips for a banging holiday party. The food at your shindig should start and end with one delicacy that will make everyone in attendance drool: Nutter Butters. Nutter Butters are the worlds most perfect food and are so versatile in everyday cooking. Appetizers, soup, main course, they can be used anywhere. Don’t believe me? At the end of this column I’ll post my recipe for Turkey and Nutter Butter Casserole. It’s to die for!
Decorations: Next up on the list of importance is decorations. I can’t remember how many times I’ve left a party because I didn’t like the decorations. Seriously, if you insist on plastering up nothing but Santa Clause and Jesus pictures for your decorations, don’t even bother to invite me to your party. Unless of course there are a ton of hot guys just hanging around wanting to get a taste of the Sinclair éclair. No your party needs some jazz. Luckily I know just where to get some and no, I’m not talking about that crappy music with all the horns.
Last year I went to a Christmas party put on by none other than Florida Representative Mark Foley. Oh. My. God. Does that man know how to decorate. He must have hired someone to do it because it was, quite simply, fantangulous. I mean there were pictures of studly young men all over the place, scantily clad with only Santa Hats covering their bits and pieces. It was so post modern it was beyond post modern. Then there was the fact that there were half naked young men walking around the party. I know they were technically not decorations, but they were certainly fun to look at. I haven’t talked to Mr. Foley in a while but I sure as heck hope I’m invited to his party again this year.
If half naked young men are not your thing, don’t worry, I’ll still love you. To impress me all you need to do is, like Mr. Foley, come up with new twists on the old standards. Hang pictures of sexy snowmen and women instead of chubby androgynous ones. Mistletoe, mistletoe, mistletoe. I cant stress this enough people. Everyone likes to get their mack on and mistletoe only helps? Here’s an idea, hand out mistletoe belt buckles and see what happens.
Family: My last tip revolves around the family. No, not the mob, I’m talking about your family. The people that raised you. Me? I hate my family. Let’s just say that they don’t agree with some certain lifestyle choices that I’ve made. But you know what dad? Uncle John liked it. Screw you. Anyways, around the Holiday’s one must always deal with your family, and if you plan to have a totally bitchin’ party, they cannot, nay, must not be there. Even if you get along with your family, you should avoid them at all costs.
For a simple solution to this problem you can look to my homeboy, Ed Gein. When Ed wanted to have the greatest Halloween Party known to man, he decided to kill his mother then wear her skin to the party. How cool is that? Talk about an original costume. Now for those of you who can’t hang with the whole murder side of this equation, I suggest moving to another state, not telling anyone where you are and changing your name. But one pointer, Beth Sinclair is already taken.
Well there you have it my tender little lumplings. Go out and throw yourselves the most out of control Holiday Party you can. Me? I’ll be here and there, taking care of my babies and getting all the Mommy action I can get. See ya.