LOS GATOS, CA – While most Americans were celebrating the holiday season with their friends and family, the Castero family of Los Gatos were secretly thankful that one family member had passed away.
In early October, Daryl Castero, a member of the Castero family passed away from natural causes and while his passing was mourned, he has not been missed at family gatherings.
“Dude, between you and me, I am so glad that guy is gone,” said Daryl Castero’s nephew, Adam Castero, 24. “Seriously, I don’t think you understand. He was a weird guy. He had skeletons in his closet. Literally. There was this one time I was watching Star Wars and he walked up behind me and put his wiener in my face.”
Daryl Castero’s death did not come as much of a surprise to his family. Having been in poor health for much of the past year, Daryl Castero’s heart finally quit.
“We all think that he survived solely on perversion for all these years,” Adam Castero said. “He didn’t have any friends. He never went anywhere. All he did was creep people out. He’d invite all the neighborhood children over to his house for ‘pants parties.’ He was creepy on a level that I can’t even explain. Maybe like a Catholic priest. That’s about the best way I can explain it.”
While most of the family was pleased with Daryl Castero’s passing, there was one family member that was somewhat upset.
“Oh I couldn’t stand him, but damn, was he a good cook,” said Daryl Castero’s brother-in-law Miguel Castero. “Well, he was a good cook if you like bacon or butter. Everything he ever made was loaded with one of the two. Or both. Most of the shit had both in it. I think it was to cover up the taste of the meat he used. He always used the worst meat he could get. Like it wasn’t even beef at all. It was always a lot more gamey… and tasted kinda like chicken.”
While there is no suspicion of fowl play, the police have been called to investigate a certain amount of “oddities” that have been reported by the family as it cleared out Daryl Castero’s belongings.
“He had some weird shit in there,” said Daryl Castero’s sister Betty Ghost. “Seriously, he had 12 coffee cans of something stored in his freezer. We have no idea what it was. It kinda smelled like semen, but we just didn’t know for sure. That’s one of the reasons that we called the cops. That and the necklace made of human thumbs. That was really weird too.”
Daryl Castero died in his house, alone, and is survived by 12 cats, two iguanas and a pet snake.