WASHINGTON, D.C. – In preparation for the anticipated troop build-up President Bush recently promised the United States armed forces are considering new enlistment incentives to raise the total number of troops available for deployment.
One of the incentives that has already been implemented is a promise to every new recruit that their girlfriend or boyfriend will be cryogenically frozen until the soldier returns from duty.
“A lot of the kids we talk to are concerned about leaving loved ones behind,” said Army Lieutenant Jerome Trist. “[Recruits] think that once their gone, their boyfriends or girlfriends are going to jump on the first person they see. And by that I mean have sex with anything that moves. By freezing their girlfriends the recruits don’t have to worry about any infidelity… like I had to go through with that lying slut Jennifer. Well, she’s in Hell now so it doesn’t matter.”
Besides the protection from infidelity, freezing recruits loved ones allows for the any soldier to come back to the same person they left.
“Frozen girlfriends and boyfriends won’t get any older and therefore uglier,” said Trist. “There is nothing worse than going to war and leaving behind a really hot piece of ass only to come home and find her 280 pounds and losing her hair. If only this would have been there when I needed it… I’d still have my second wife Rochelle. I don’t know what the hell happened to her while I was over in Kuwait, but when I got back she looked like she had eaten all the neighborhood children. She was an abomination.”
Another incentive that is proving popular is a guaranteed month-ling trip to Singapore for all new recruits.
“What we offer our newbies is the opportunity to fully experience Singapore,” said Naval Officer Theodore Grasnick. “We give each new Seaman 200 bucks and let them do whatever, whoever they want in Singapore for a month. It really is awesome. They can get hookers, both boys and girls, they can get drugs, they can get totally trashed every night and they can just forget that every friend they’ve had in the service has been killed. After about 10 months of non-stop death and destruction in Iraq, a guy really needs a vacation. And yeah, 200 bucks goes a really long way in Singapore. You just have to watch out because you may not go to bed with the thing you think you are going to bed with… unless you don’t really care. Which, after 10 month’s in Iraq, you won’t.”
Other proposed incentives include increased signing bonuses upwards of $150,000, criminal pardons, movie roles and guaranteed jobs as “Bikini Inspectors” and “Muff Divers.”
“Dude, seriously,” said Marines enlistee Jarrod Welks. “I just signed up because I have wanted to be a bikini inspector since I was 12 man. If the Marines can get me there then I’ll go to Iraq and shot some people for a year. What? What do you mean I’d have to be there for four years? Really? What the fuck? Four years? At least? What’s that mean? Oh God! What have I done? I thought it was a one year thing. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. A bikini inspector job isn’t worth this and I don’t have anyone to freeze so that can’t help me and what good is $150,000 if I don’t make it back home. They didn’t tell me all this stuff when I just signed up. I wonder if Canada is still open.”
Bush, who signed the new incentives into law last week, said that if these do not work, the country may have to go a different direct but denied any rumors of a draft.
“We will never, ever go back to the draft. Maybe. Someday,” Bush said. “If we keep coming up with bigger and better things to give these people, they’ll all want to join the armed forces. Hell, when I was younger if someone had offered me all the coke and booze I could take and a trip to Singapore, I’d have signed up for 15 Vietnam tours. But since they didn’t I just wasn’t interested in the whole thing so I skipped out on my service and did coke at this guy Jerry’s house. Um… by coke I of course mean the soda drink. Yeah. Definitely the drink and not the really good drug.”