Companies Utilizing Ninjas To Meet Security Needs

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A ninja patiently waits for any sign of trouble at Cold Stone Creamery Headquarters.
A ninja patiently waits for any sign of trouble at Cold Stone Creamery Headquarters.

SEATTLE, WA – In an effort to improve efficiency and reduce costs, many U.S. companies have begun turning to ninjas to meet security needs. Ninjas, mythical warriors from Japan are in hot demand these days as companies have realized how versatile an asset the ninja can be when used in security functions.

Companies such as Microsoft, Dow Chemical and Cold Stone Creamery have already implemented new ninja oriented security solutions at their corporate headquarters and several other top companies in negotiations with various ninja clans to do the same.

“Ninjas are the ideal group to provide a company with security,” said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, who was the first company to utilize ninjas. “Ninjas are highly trained and between you and me, they don’t take shit from anyone. You tell them what to believe, and they’ll believe it. And they’re super cheap, too. Hell, about 30 of them can live in just a couple offices on the premises and all they eat is rice and fish. Have you seen the price of rice lately? You can buy a five-pound bag for like a buck. It’s awesome.”

Long the subject of mystery, ninjas are trained from birth to be killing machines that move stealthily and leave no traces.

“To borrow a line from a line from a friend of mine, ninjas are they best there is at what they do,” Gates said. “You have trouble somewhere? Dispatch the ninjas and BAM! Within 10 seconds the situation is resolved, and no one knows what happened. Once word gets out that you have ninjas on your payroll, you think anyone will mess with you? No. And on top of that, no one will even say bad things about your company. How many people have criticized Vista since we hired our ninjas? None. Because they know that we can send our ninjas out at anytime. But you have to be careful with that. The ninja shouldn’t be misused – or they can turn on you. They have some weird sense of morality. I don’t get it, but it’s true. Our old Head of Security mouthed off to a ninja and the next morning he was hanging from the rafters with an arrow shot through his heart.”

Companies are intrigued by the low cost of ninja security. Ninja clans say that with a properly trained ninja, there will be no need for id badges, security cameras or even street lights in parking lots.

“When you have a ninja on staff, even one, people are going to be honest,” said Cold Stone Creamery founder Susan Sutherland. “You never know where a ninja might be, they could be watching your every move. Believe me, you don’t want to be caught doing something wrong if there’s a ninja hanging around. They’ll cut you arm off quicker than you can say ‘Holy Fuck, is that a god damned ninja!’”

The ninja security system is a product of five separate ninja clans in Japan. Each clan must be contacted by a company individually and a full description of the companies needs must be presented to the clan leader. If the plan is rejected, the company spokesman will be killed. If the plan is accepted, then ninjas can be deployed within 48 hours.

“We, mighty Snake Clan have 580 warriors trained and ready to go at moments notice,” said Snake Clan representative Hiro Matsamura. “Snake clan is just one of the many clans that is offering this service. Tiger Clan has 1,000 ninjas. Walrus Clan, 2,100. But do not trust the Spider Clan. They are dishonest and lazy. They will only eat donuts and sneak like dragon gorged on Saki. Our basic ninja plan begins with 2 ninjas and cost $1,465. More ninjas will cost more but you only need one or two. Unless you are preparing invasion. Then you need our Platinum Plan.”

There are currently 23 Fortune 500 companies within the U.S. using ninja security and by the end of the year that number is expected to increase to 150.

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