WASHINGTON, D.C. – What Republicans across the nation feared has come to pass as the new Democrat controlled Congress unleashed its gay loving, tree hugging, god hating, anti-American agenda on the American public.
By all Republican accounts, the first 100 hours of the new congressional session were some of the darkest days this country has ever faced.
“Everything we feared. Everything we dreaded is now upon us. It’s like a Hell but worse because it’s real,” said Senator Orin Hatch, R-UT. “The Bible spoke of this time but we honestly didn’t think it would come within our lifetime. The Democrats have control now and everything we’ve worked so hard for will be destroyed. I think the only thing left to do is kill ourselves.”
Within the first week of the new session, Congress passed three new laws each more terrible that the one before.
The first new rule passed allows any homosexual to marry any other person (regardless of sexual preference) whether the other person agrees to the marriage.
“Now, right now, some gay guy can marry me whether or not I want him to,” said Representative Tom Tancredo, R-CO. “Once we’re married I’d have to have sex with him. That’s the way marriage works. You have sex with your spouse whether you want to or not. Ask my wife. She gets it. But do you see why this is so disastrous? Gay people have total run of the country now. I might as well kill myself.”
Another new law makes it illegal for the manufacturing, importing, owning or selling of large trucks and SUVs. Called the “Should Have Signed the Kyoto Treaty” bill, the new law makes it impossible for Americans to drive large trucks and SUVs.
According to the new law, all existing SUV will be confiscated and broken down into parts for electric cars.
“The god damned hippies have ruined everything,” said SUV owner Raymond Gertz. “I worked damn hard to make enough money for my Hummer. I call it the ‘Darth Laid-her.’ If those tree-hugging Democrats come anywhere near me I’m gonna run their ass over. If I can’t have my Hummer then… well, I’d have to kill myself.”
The most recent law passed by Congress declares God as dead and forbids any reference to a god-like being – except Superman.
“God, or the myth of ‘God,’ has no place in this country anymore,” said Dennis Kucinich, D-OH. “Democrats have always known that God doesn’t exist and that’s what makes us smarter than everyone else. We figured may be difficult for the American public so we are giving them one option – Superman. If we substitute Superman for God, will accept the change much more gradually. If they don’t, then they’ll just have to kill themselves. But Superman is great so it won’t come to that. Who doesn’t like Superman? Even when that bastard Geoff Johns tried to ruin his comic book with crappy writing but Superman came out smelling like a rose.”
The Democrats are pleased with themselves and their progress. Congress has already threatened to make more laws to further destroy the American way.
“We have completed our initial sweep of the New Order Doctrine set forth by our Demonic leader Beelzebub,” said new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Soon we will remove all guns from this country, force every person to accept Bill Clinton as their personal savior and force everyone in the country to recognize global warming as fact. Ha ha ha. The only escape is to kill yourself.”