Local Haunted House Targets Easily Scared Soccer Moms

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CINCINNATI, OH – A local warehouse is being transformed into something frightening this month for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The Suburban Scare House will open this week and while it will offer frights for all ages, one specific group is targeted with this new haunted house – white, soccer moms.

“There is a huge market for scaring soccer moms,” said Haunted House organizer Jeffrey Tandours. “Fox News and Parenting magazine have been scaring the crap out of white, suburban mothers for years now and this haunted house will give these same soccer moms a chance to confront their fears in an entertaining way and without leaving the safety of their neighborhood.”

The Suburban Scare House will feature several different areas, each with its own theme. The first section, unofficially titled “urban nightmare,” will feature several different scenes, the first being a basketball court with three young, black men playing basketball.

“If you were to go out and ask any white upper middle-class woman what her biggest fear is, there’s a good chance that she would say ‘minorities.’ At the very least she would certainly think it.” Tandours said. “Not only are they afraid of minorities in general, they are afraid that they will be trapped in a minority neighborhood. Of course every white woman also fantasizes about being the sex slave of a well hung black man so that only adds to the sense of danger. You don’t know if those three black guys are going to rob you, kill you or stick their gigantic penises into any number of your orifices. Or they could just continue playing basketball. This is the first part of the haunted house people see. We jump right in and try to scare the pants off people right away.”

The next area of “urban nightmare” will feature a sidewalk full of older, Hispanic males that customers must walk past. The last part of the “urban nightmare” features a group of students who look like they could be of Arab descent.

“I’m not real sure why, but the minorities really get to people. We opened a similar haunted house in Salt Lake City last year and one mother actually sat in the corner and cried for 45 minutes because she was so scared of the Mexican guy with the cowboy hat,” said Tandours.

To heighten the experience, cell phones will not work once a customer enters the Scare House.

In addition, to the “urban nightmare,” another area, referred to as the “running room,” will feature a room full of small children running and playing without supervision.

“We’ve got big plans for additions to the running room concept,” Tandours said. “We’ve got a scene where kids are playing tackle football without pads. We also will feature what we’re calling the ‘Creepy Pedophile Down the Street’ room. That one is just great and I don’t want to give away anything about that.”

According to Tandours, the scariest room in the Scare House is the “unsuccessfully gay room,” which will feature some of the most advanced technology ever used in a haunted house.

“When someone signs up for the haunted house, we will scan a photo of their children,” said Tandours. “A computer program will then manipulate that photo and towards the end of the Scare House experience, the customer will be shown an image of their child as they would look if they were 18-year-old, unemployed, a college dropout and homosexual. This image is so real that several of the people that have tested this technology have left in tears and asking their children to promise them they won’t get the gay.”

The Suburban Scare House will open this weekend and tickets are $15.00 per adult and $14.50 for children.

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