FEMA Wants All Trees Removed From Calif. To Reduce Fire Risk

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A homeless man helps put out a forest fire near Malibu.
A homeless man helps put out a forest fire near Malibu.

SACRAMENTO, CA – After deadly wildfires wreaked havoc in Southern California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in conjunction with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, unveiled a plan to stop current fires and eliminate the possibility of future fires. The main focus of the plan is to “remove anything that burns” from the California landscape.

“Instead of fighting fires once they’ve gotten a hold, we need to fight them before they start,” said R. David Paulison, Administrator of FEMA. “If we remove everything that can catch fire, the fires that are burning now won’t have anything to burn and no new fires will ever be able to start. To that end, Congress has awarded a logging contract for all of California to Karl Rove’s Logging Company.”

Beginning immediately, logging companies will begin cutting down every tree in California. Once all the trees have been cut down, the company will begin cutting all bushes and tall grasses.

Schwarzenegger said he was reluctant to allow the clear cutting but after seeing the destruction caused by the October fires, the decision became easy.

“I am sad to see trees go, but people are more important than stupid trees,” said Schwarzenegger. “If wish that I could, I would kick fire’s ass personally… but I am not capable of that. Maybe someday. Then I will kick fire’s ass and say to it ‘I’ll be back,’ then I’ll leave for a short time, come back and continue to kick fire’s ass.”

The wood harvested from California will be put to use almost immediately as it will be used to build homes for oil workers in Alaska.

“A lot of people are looking at (the removal of trees) like it’s a bad thing, but no one is looking at all the good that will come out of it,” Paulison said. “When all the trees are gone, we don’t have to worry about fire, like we’ve been talking about. But when those trees get to Alaska, they will be used to build affordable housing for people in need. More homes means more jobs and more people drilling for oil. More oil means cheaper gas and everyone hates expensive gas right? It’s really a win win situation. When it comes down to it, we don’t need trees… or Alaska for that matter if we have cheap gas.”

While many people are embracing a life that is not dominated by the threat of wild fires, some California residents are hesitant to accept the government’s solution.

“That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard,” said Malibu resident Christopher Hudson. “Without trees what will I hang my hammock from while I’m writing my screenplays? Riddle me that Batman. Also, if I have to cut down all my trees, what the hell am I supposed to climb to spy on my hot neighbor? A pole? I don’t think so. Can you fathom how hard it’ll be to hold onto a pole while furiously masturbating? Damn near impossible I bet. I won’t even get into the idea of the lack of cover. It’s just a stupid idea all around. Leave me one tree…that’s all I need.”

In addition to eliminating trees and to help contain the currently burning fires, FEMA has authorized the National Guard to round up poor people and illegal aliens to help fight the fires.

“In order to get these fires under control we need man power,” said Paulison. “And in California, there is no greater source of man power than poor people and illegals. The National Guard will give each poor person and illegal a helmet, mask and an axe and will drop these people off on the front line at let them have at it. What’s the worst that could happen? We lose a couple poor people or a couple illegals? This Administration has already proved that it doesn’t care about either of those groups.”

If all goes according to plan, Paulison hopes to have California free from fire and free from the threat of fire by the end of the year.

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