WITCHITA, KS – Although the football season is almost half over, McGearson High School cheerleader Breanna Winnik has yet to decide which football player she will sleep with first.
Across the nation, it is customary for every cheerleader to have had sex with each member of the varsity football team by the close of the season.
“It’s just so hard trying to figure out who’s going to be the first one, you know what I mean?” Winnik said. “Seriously, what am I supposed to use as a basis for this decision? Looks? That’s too easy? Grade point average? That’s just stupid. Maybe I’ll give them all hand jobs to find out who has the biggest cock, then work down. Or should I start with the smallest and work my way up? See what I mean? That’s why it’s taking me so long.”
At this point in the high school football season, in order for Winnik to sleep with all 38 varsity football players by the close of the season in December, she must sleep with more than five a week.
“It’s going to be tough, but I know I can do it,” Winnik said. “Seriously, I’m twice the slut that Jenny Thompson is and it took her only a month to get the entire team. But you know, if it comes down to it, I’ll take on three or four of them at the same time. Hell, I might do that anyway, but that’s besides the point. You know what would be hot? Maybe after I decide who’s first, I’ll just have a party and do the rest of them in one night. That would be way cool and would make things a whole lot easier and would be a huge load on my chest… I mean off my chest.”
Winnik says she is beginning to feel the pressure, especially since most of the cheerleaders have already slept with the entire team.
“Peer pressure is a total bitch, just like Molly Reed,” Winnik said. “I mean just because (Reed) had slept with them all by the second game doesn’t make her better than me. But she sure acts like it. But at least I’m not the only one who isn’t done. Sarah Decker has about half the team left and Jackie Harris has about 15 left. I’m not too worried, though. I’ll get them and hopefully won’t get pregnant halfway through like Jenny Willis and have to do the rest of them doggy style. My Momma says that you go to hell if you have sex like that.”
Some in the community are concerned that the high school’s image will be tarnished if Winnik fails to sleep with the whole team.
“If that little bitch doesn’t get going, all the other schools are going to think we’re gay or that we suck, and not in the good way,” said McGearson High School starting Quarterback Rick Folds. “Every other school in our division, hell, in the entire state probably has all of their cheerleaders done. Now they are looking at us like we don’t give a crap and that we’re a bunch of pussies that don’t have any school spirit. But I do, and I really want to fuck (Winnik). I mean I’m the starting quarterback so I should totally be first.”
Even with all the pressure, Winnik is confident that she will be able to succeed before the season ends.
“I’ve totally got this,” Winnik said. “The first one needs to be special. The last one needs to be special too, because who wants to do one of the fat linemen last and then have that be their final memory of high school? I sure as hell don’t.”