Atheist Still Bitching and Complaining About Christmas

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SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.

“Last year I thought it couldn’t get any worse but this year already I’ve had people be obnoxiously nice to me, wishing me ‘merry Christmas’ and it’s just ridiculous,” said Weaver. “Fuck Christmas. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. And you know what? I’ll say it again. Fuck Christmas. Why? Why fuck Christmas? How many reasons do you want? Hold on, let me get out my notebook where I keep the list of things I hate about Christmas.”

Weaver says he is upset with the commercialism of the Christmas season and the pervasiveness of the holiday in American culture.

“Christmas is everywhere and for a non-Christian, it’s like a giant slap in the face,” said Weaver. “How would people like it if I spent three month parading around wishing everyone a happy God Doesn’t Exist Day? Or if I went door to door singing songs about how religion is evil and how much money companies make off exploiting their so called ‘holiday season.’ I mean come on. There is Christmas stuff in stores in October and from November to January, you can’t get away from (Christmas).”

Weaver’s sister says she had hoped he would “grow out of” his dislike for Christmas but admits that she no longer pays any attention to Weaver’s complaints.

“It’s always the same with him,” said Weaver’s sister, Rochelle Martinez. “All he ever talks about this time of year is about how much Christmas sucks and that it’s ruining America and it’s too commercial, blah blah blah. Whatever. The whole family just doesn’t even bother to call him anymore during Christmas. He just needs to get over it and enjoy Christmas like everyone else on the planet.”

While friends and family no longer notice Weaver’s disdain for the Christian holiday, many of his coworkers are experiencing it for the first time.

“You know, it really is kinda weird,” said Jason Butters, Weaver’s co-worker at Midlan Paint and Supply. “I mean he really gets pissed about the whole thing. I mean he literally gets pissed. Last week ‘someone’ pissed in the Salvation Army collection bucket. No one wants to say that it was (Weaver), but come on. We all know who did it. He also punched Andy from the brushes department in the throat for wearing a Santa hat and asking him to sit on his lap for a present. The guy is weird. Not Andy, Weaver. Weaver is weird. Who wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap?”

Weaver, a father of two, refuses to allow his children to participate in Christmas events at school and does not buy them Christmas gifts. Last year Weaver mounted a protest, consisting of himself, outside the school after his five-year-old daughter was asked to create a Christmas tree ornament in an art and crafts class.

“Do you think I am going to sit idly by while they make my daughter do that crap against her will? Fuck no!” Weaver said. “I went over there and I stood out there with a sign that said ‘Christmas is for losers.’ Then I fire bombed the gym. You know what though? My daughter didn’t make any ornaments this year.”

Weaver plans to continue complaining about Christmas until the holiday is no longer a prominent American holiday.


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