Cardboard Box Mortgage Rates, Number of Foreclosures Rising

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CLEVELAND, OH – As forecloses continue to haunt the housing market, a sharp rise in cardboard box prices is making it even more difficult for families to find a place to call home.

Mortgage rates for cardboard boxes have increased across the country and in some areas, have risen by eight full percentage points.

“Things have been rough all over, and nowhere is it more apparent than in housing rates,” said Kurt Bolden, analyst for Countrywide Mortgage Company. “While most people think about the mortgages of actual homes, few actually realize that the housing market includes the boxes that poor people live in. Of course most people don’t give two shits about poor people, but they figure into the equations none the less.”

Many large banks have become more selective in offering mortgages on cardboard boxes restricting access to those mortgages to many families.

“We realize that it is a cardboard box, but (the banks) need to do what we can to make sure we survive,” Bolden said. “By charging an outrageous rate on cardboard boxes, some people will not have any place to live. Those people will, hopefully, die. That’s less people, thus helping with overcrowding. Though if too many poor people die, we’re going to have to raise the rates again, and that’ll just cause more deaths. So really, it’s a very thin tight rope that we’re walking here and if that doesn’t make sense to you then you are stupid.”

Many homeowners who had to foreclose on their homes are now facing difficulties landing mortgages for cardboard boxes.

“You know, I bought this really bitchin’ house ‘cus my bank said I could afford it and then I couldn’t pay and the sonsofbitches kicked me outta my house. Now those same assholes are tellin’ me that I ain’t qualified for a mortgage on my cardboard box,” said Cleveland resident Yolinda Flowers. “I found this really nice box on the corner of Broadway and First. Nice view, right by the unemployment office. But now they kickin’ me outta there ‘cus I can’t get no mortgage. The gov’ment needs to do somethin’ man.”

Foreclosures are up across the country and the Cleveland area has been hit hard.

“We’re not 100% sure why, but Cleveland has been hit so hard,” Bolden said. “Seriously, why the hell would you want to live in a place like that anyway? It’s a shit hole, only with more shit than holes. It might be that people move there because of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and then they realize that the place sucks. We just don’t know. But really, who cares. It’s Cleveland.”

With cardboard boxes out of reach some families are turning to caves out side of metropolitan areas.

“We got this here cave, but it ain’t as nice as our box,” said Cleveland resident Will Fitzgerald. “I mean with our box, I could move it anywhere I wanted. Not anymore. Now I’m stuck. It is a bit more roomy, with the three kids. Now they don’t have to fight about who sleeps in ‘bathroom’ corner. And this cave smells like dog piss. Our old box it smelled like human piss, but at least it was human. You know what I mean? I miss my box, but I just can’t afford it no more. There real problem is how far I have to walk to get into the city so I can beg for change. Sometimes I don’t get back home until well after midnight.”

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