DENTON, SD – During a recent paleontological dig in the Bad Lands of South Dakota, scientists have uncovered remnants of some of our earliest known ancestors. This new find uncovered tools ancient, savage creatures used and what appears to be a complete set of pre-historic clothing.
“We are very excited, especially by the finery, or what you laymen call the clothes,” digger Dr. Ross Honner said. “The articles, one being the fur of some orange animal with black spots perhaps indigenous to this area over, like a billion years ago. We also, actually, I, found what appears to be a blue neck tie. I am very excited about this orange piece as this just might be the primitive ancestor to the modern day ‘wife beater’ T-shirt.”
These conclusions were further indicated by several cave paintings discovered near the dig site. These paintings featured two figures, obviously male, and two figures that appear to be females. The two sets of creatures are thought to be couples consisting of one man and one woman each.
According to Honner, in several of the pictographs, the male wearing the “wife beater” is standing over his fallen wife holding various objects, like a club or a pot. The wife on the ground, appears to be holding her red hair, or quite possibly her bloodied head. All this is happening while the man’s dwarf friend stands in the background.
These images show scientists the first recorded examples of domestic violence. It is not known if the other man ever beat his wife, but signs point to yes.
“There are some painting that are very hard to read, specifically the ones featuring the diminutive Caveman,” Dr. Ernie Barackmein, said. “But all throughout time, short people have had what we call the ‘Napoleon Complex.’ It’s not very hard to see the little guy’s wife making a wise crack at his expense or making fun of him ‘cus he has a small dick. Out of nowhere, he would go ape shit all over that stupid chick. Then he would make her go get him a beer ‘cus the Broncos are on. No, it’s not hard to see at all. Fuckin’ Broncos. Greisy blows.”
One of the more significant details discovered is the depiction of the dwelling where the two cave families lived. The homes are built on logs, as if they were meant to move. Quite possibly, these homes were the precursor to the modern day double-wide trailer.