WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the race for the Democratic nomination yielding no clear victor after months of debates and primaries, the Democratic Party officials have decided the Presidential nomination will go to the winner of a “your momma” battle.
The battle will take place at the Democratic National Convention on August 25th through the 28th in Denver, Co. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean came up with the idea after overhearing two young men conversing outside a Hooters restaurant.
“So there I was, just minding my own business when I hear these two kids jawing at each other,” Dean said. “The exchange between the two was just so intense that I knew they were on to something. During the exchange, one of the kids said ‘your mamma’s so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.’ Get it? That other kid’s mother is apparently overweight, and instead of Wheat Thins, she has to eat Wheat Thicks. That right there is the power of language. I mean, who thinks of those kinds of things? That kind of exchange requires wit, intelligence, quick thinking, character and confidence – all the attributes of a good President. It was pure genius. After listening to the kids for a good 20 minutes, it hit me. That’s how we can solve our problem and identify our nomination for President of The United States.”
Hillary Clinton will face off against Barack Obama in the first ever “your momma” battle where the two will trade jokes about the other’s mother until one can not respond.
“I’ve done as much research on the ‘your mamma’ phenomenon as I can,” Dean said. “Did you know that there is a woman out there that is so ugly that when she looked out the window, she got arrested for mooning? It’s true, I read it on the internet. But that’s beside the point. We needed something to prove to America that our candidates are young, and hip and know how to deal with high pressure situations. I can tell you, it doesn’t get more high pressure than when someone accuses your mother of being so stupid it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes and you need to respond.”
While the announcement came as a surprise to many, both candidates are looking forward to a new forum where they can get their ideas out to the voting public.
“(The your momma battle) has to be one of the greatest ideas in the history of politics,” Obama said. “Not only will we be able to reach out to a younger audience, but we can really dig down to the serious issues that plague the American culture. Obesity. Race. Wealth. Hygiene. Nothing will be held back. I don’t like to play the race card, but I am African-American, and my people created the ‘your mamma’ battle so that may give me an advantage. Now, I’ve never met my opponent’s mother, but I can only assume that she is so ugly that they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her bathroom.”
Although many pundits have all but give the Democratic nod to Obama, Clinton has been seen practicing her skills and believes she can give Obama a run for his money, if not beat him, giving her momentum heading in to the remaining primaries and caucuses.
“I’m being seen as the underdog here, but you know, that’s not really a bad place to be,” Clinton said. “I’ll come out there with some tight-ass rips, and people will say to themselves ‘damn, that white girl just said that?’ Or more likely, people will say ‘oh no, she di’int!’ I’ll surprise a lot of people. Will I win? I don’t know, but I’m as confident in my abilities as I am in the knowledge that (Obama’s) mamma is so cross eyed that when she cries, the tears roll down her back. Oh burn!”