New Penis Implants Act as TV, Computer Remote Control

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TOKYO, JAPAN – A Japanese electronics firm, Nagisariko, has created the first penis implants that will allow men to control movie clips, either on a computer or DVD, while they masturbate.

“Masturbation is very big part of Japanese culture,” said Nagisariko co-founder Nakoto Nuri. “For long time now, it has always been big problem to masturbate and control the movie. If you were pleasuring yourself to DVD, you were stuck finishing yourself to whatever scene was on at time. If one were to stop and use a regular remote, man may lose erection and must then start over. Now, if person wants to finish at same time pornstar shoots his sauce on sluts face, that option is now here.”

The new media control system, called Spanktro, will give men the ability to fast forward, stop, replay, rewind and play at slow motion movie clips. The implants can also be programmed by the owner to retrieve favorite movies and clips for viewing.

“The key to this system is the pleasure never will stop, unless you make it to,” Toshihiro Yamada, Nagisariko Marketing Officer said. “I will not lie, I like anal scenes. Now I don not have stop and fast forward with other remote until I find my happy. I can fast forward with my penis. Now I have constant satisfaction.”

The implants will be placed just under the skin of the penis along each side. The alignment allows for a single hand to access all buttons.

“It very simple procedure, more simple than many other cosmetic procedures,” said Dr. Shinji Makoto. “All implants go under skin from two 20 centimeter incisions at base of penis. From there, we position device to the exact specification patient wants and we sew it up to finish. Procedure takes about 15 minutes. I am grateful for this procedure. I get paid much for those 15 minutes.”

Nagisariko claims the implants will provide no discomfort to the masturbator or any women that the owner may have sexual contact with.

“We have tested implants against saliva, vaginal secretions and most lubricants available on the international market and we have not see any problem. Because implants are under skin, all pieces are protected. Although we have seen small number of cases where skin has been worn off penis, exposing implants… but those events only occurred in very lonely men with far too much free time and no honor.”

Although neither the device or the procedure have received final approval from Japanese health officials, thousands of patients have already signed up.

“As of today, we have had 7,988 people who have expressed interest in our product,” Nuri said. “We are averaging 2,000 new people every day. Everyone wants this device. I am going to be rich.”

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