MANCHESTER, NH – According to employees at Delwitt Chemical, the guy in the corner cubical on the second floor is a total dick.
“See that guy right there?” said Delwitt Chemical Accounts Receivable clerk, Rhonda Gilbert. “That guy is a dick. He comes in here, acts like a dick, treats everyone like shit all day long and then leaves. Screw that dick.”
The alleged dick, Robert Cameron, has been with Delwitt Chemical for three months and in that time he has alienated and annoyed almost all of his coworkers.
“The first time I met him he told me I looked gay,” said Cameron’s co-worker, Kevin Blick. “From that day on, every time he sees me he calls me ‘gay Ray.’ My name isn’t Ray and I’m not gay. But that’s not the point. The point is that the dick won’t even take the time to learn my name or talk to me long enough to realize that I’m not gay.”
Cameron doesn’t feel that he is being a dick and he believes that he is just treating people the way he always has.
“I’m not a dick. Those guys are all dicks. Except for the broads. The broads are all bitches. And ‘gay Ray,’ he’s a bitch too,” said Cameron. “I just treat people real. I’m not all fake to people. I don’t treat them one way and then talk shit about them behind their back. If these dicks and bitches can’t handle me then they need to go somewhere else because there isn’t a better Purchasing clerk in this bullshit company and I’m not going anywhere.”
Management at Delwitt Chemical have not and do not plan on taking any action against Cameron on the grounds that being a dick isn’t against any company rule.
“I know he’s a dick,” said Germaine Ambruster, Human Resources Director. “But there isn’t anything I can do about that. Being a dick isn’t against the rules. Now if he commits any acts of violence or intolerance, we can do something about that. But just being a dick… yeah, nothing we can do.”
While Cameron refuses to change, many of his co-workers are just planning on staying away from him.
“(Employees at Delwitt Chemical) are planning to just ignore him,” said Blick. “Everyone in the cubes near him has moved and we’ve built a wall that isolates him from everyone. And we’ve set up a watch system. So when ever he leaves his cube, an alarm will sound letting everyone know that the dick is on the loose. If that doesn’t work then I’ll have my cousin that spent some time in prison stab him in the parking lot.”