CHICAGO, IL – In a three year study that has just concluded, scientists at the University of Chicago have been testing the widely accepted theory that once you go black, you never go back.
“We’ve all heard it at some point in our lives, that if a Caucasian person, either man or woman, sleeps with an African American, they will never settle for a member of their own race again,” said James Graves, head researcher for the study. “Soon, we hope to be able to give the world a definitive answer to this question. We will be able to tell one way or another that black cock, or pussy, has some magical property that makes you need it. Crave it. Until that’s all you want.”
For the past several years, scientists have been testing the theory on both black and white mice. By coupling white mice with black mice, the team has noted any difference in the actions of the white mice once they are put back in a white couple.
“The results that we’ve recorded from the mice has been nothing short of spectacular,” Graves said. “Only once has a white mouse that’s been paired with a black mouse, gone back to a white mouse. Now to be fair, the white mouse did have some really nice teats. Do mice even look at teats, or did I just notice them because I’ve been single for a really long time? Who knows. The point is that out of all the forced mice sex that we’ve monitored, the idiom seems to be true. True enough that we progressed to the human part of the experiment.”
Graves and his team moved onto the next phase of the study that included 500 humans from all over the world.
“This study had to be big, because we wanted as wide of a range of data as we could get,” Graves said. “We tested people from every continent, just to see if it’s an American thing or if there is something in our human chemical make up that causes this to happen.”
The research team has also tested whether or not the idiom only applies to white, when introduced to black. Black mice have been coupled with other black mice, brown mice, and even mice that were painted blue.
“There are so many ways that we can take this experiment,” Graves said. “We can, and plan to see if the newly coined idiom ‘Once you go Mexican, you Mexican’t go back’ applies as well as some other theories. One of these theories we’ve taken to calling the ‘Berry Theorem,’ you know, from the saying ‘the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.’ This will show us if it is just a ‘black’ thing in general. If a lighter skinned African American is just as addictive as a darker one, we feel that the general populace needs to know.”
According to another member of the research team, Jon Grome, the team is close to publishing its results.
“We hope to have everything ready to go by the fall,” Grome said. “We’ve had an incredible response from the population, everyone seems to be eager to be part of this monumental experiment. We had 300 sorority girls apply for the study on the first day. We’re hoping to have everyone for the last round of testing come back in July, then we’ll get everyone fucking their brains out. I know that’s not a really scientific thing to say, but really, that’s what they’re going to be doing. Having a lot of sex. With everyone.”