DES MOINES, IA – During a speech given to local farm workers, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain laid out his plan for combating rising fuel costs. The main focus of McCain’s plan is to create more fossil fuels by burying various forms of organic material and waiting “til the magic happens.”
“Why do we have to limit ourselves to the fossil fuels that are out there now?” said McCain. “Why can’t we just make more? I know my opponent will say that my plan will take millions of years, but I don’t see him doing anything about rising energy costs. If we have scientists that can make ears grow on rats, then we can make those same scientists figure out a way to speed up the oil making.”
The current supply of fossil fuels was created over millions of years as heat and pressure turned organic material into coal and oil.
“The first step to my plan will be identifying who, or what gets buried. My suggestion is that we start with all the dinosaur bones because they are already fossils so those should be almost ready to turn into oil. I also recommend burying all the prisoners in Guantanamo and the entire nation of Iran. Not only will America be safer if we do that, but I, as President won’t have to worry about invading Iran. I can concentrate on invading North Korea. Or taking a nap… which ever comes first.”
The scientific community has responded almost unanimously in outrage over McCain’s plan calling the plan “foolish” and “something Bush would try to do.”
“Admittedly, the Republicans aren’t really popular with (scientists) right now. Mostly because of the Global Warming thing, but also because they still believe in god for some dumb reason,” said Joachim Weinstein, Professor of Chemistry at University of Oregon. “That said, this ‘plan’ of McCain’s is so… dumb that I can’t believe anyone is actually taking it seriously. It takes millions and millions of years to turn algae or plant life into a fuel source. If McCain is serious about finding more oil he should take my advice and collect the oil off high school kids faces. We are sitting on a goldmine here and no one will listen to me about it.”
Scientists aren’t the only ones that have come out against McCain’s plan. Many prominent Democrats have also chastised McCain for his ideas.
“This is a sad, sad ploy to get votes, and personally, I think it’s sick,” said Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama. “I would never pander to the general populace with empty promises that I know will never be fulfilled. I mean, come on. That’s like me saying that I promise every guy in America, even the fat ugly ones, will get laid ever night. Sure it would be nice, but it’s never going to happen. Especially for the fat ugly ones. (McCain) knows that he can’t promise new oil, yet he says it anyway. What a dick. Seriously. If you vote for that guy instead of me then you’re a dick too. Oh, and I’m not Muslim.”
Despite the criticisms, McCain believes that, if elected president, he can accomplish these goals.
“I may not be much for science, since, you know, (the Republican) party forbids it, but I have faith that our scientists can do anything that they put their mind to… with god’s help,” McCain said. “I mean if they can cure AIDS and Cancer, they should be able to male oil. This is easy compared to… Oh, shit. Um, I mean, they, uh, cured… I gotta go.”