MIAMI, FL – Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC manager Louis Pearlman announced his plans to travel to Cuba to “Discover the next Elian.”
“Right now, that little kid is the hottest thing in the world. And what really burns my ass is thinking that he’s not mine. I want my own Elain. I want my own Elian really bad. Really, really bad. Bad enough to kil…I mean bad enough to go to Cuba, to get one of the cute little guys for myself,” Pearlman said.
Though it is not clear whether or not Cuban officials, including Fidel Castro himself, have approved Pearlman’s request, Pearlman and his associates have already finalized the Cuban itinerary.
“I will be meeting with about 250-300 young, soft, pretty, nubile… um, where was I? Oh yeah. I’ll be meeting with these boys during the first week of June. After that I will begin narrowing the group down as I finalize the hopefuls into a small group of 5. After a meeting behind closed doors to see what they can do for me, I will choose my Elian,” Pearlman said.
Pearlman refused to divulge many more plans stating “it has to have some kind of surprise,” but reports are that a new wooden raft has already been constructed for the new Elian’s voyage to the United States of America.
“I see a lot we can improve on with my new Elian. We can find more attractive and camera friendly Miami relatives for one. And that whole dead mom thing, that’s definitely gotta go, it’s way too depressing. And quite honestly it has been done to death. Excuse the pun. And besides, it would get a little messy, what with all the killing we’d have to do because we most certainly would not get it write the first time. I mean do you even know how many boys I had to kill before I finally found enough good and quiet ones to fill two boy bands? But I am getting a little ahead of myself. When I get to Cuba and take a look at all the sweet, young boys, we’ll talk again,” Pearlman said.
In related news, Elain Gonzalaze has just finished recording his debut CD called I Love America, Please Don’t Send Me Back To That Horrible Cuba and the Spanish version ?Dunde Esta Mi Amirica? which should be out in early Summer followed shortly after by his first full length feature film Are You There Reno? It’s Me Elian.