EVANSVILLE, IN – Online friends of Jason Delley notified local police this week after Delley failed to show up for a second consecutive World of Warcraft gaming session. Delley, who was listed as a missing person for over 36 hours, eventually resurfaced and informed his friends and family that he had actually been with his girlfriend.
“He has a girlfriend? How? Why?” said Delley’s friend Wade Kirnery. “I mean… what does that even mean? Will he not be joining our missions anymore? We need a mage on the squad. We can’t beat the Ragelings without a fucking mage! And he knows this! He has to start thinking with his brain and not his wiener. His clan should always come before that bitch. Has he learned nothing from the great wizard Shartheed? What the hell? I thought he was dead or something. That would be better than (having a girlfriend).”
Delley and his girlfriend of three weeks, Jenny Stochansky, spent time in St. Louis, causing many of Delley’s online friends to assume the worst.
“First of all, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. He hadn’t been online as much but I just thought he was sick or something. Or maybe his mom had him running errands or something,” said Denny Orton. “But then he disappeared altogether. All of his friends, we all met online and one of us decided to head over to his parents house. He wasn’t there. So we thought he got abducted by terrorists who were holding him hostage. So we called the F.B.I.”
Now that Delley has returned many of his friends are beginning to question his dedication to his online life and many are skeptical of Stochansky’s intentions.
“You know, there are more important things in life than getting you jimmy whacked,” said Kirnery. “(Delley) needs to realize that. We had a raid scheduled from 7 am on Tuesday morning to midnight on Friday morning, and (Delley) totally bailed on us. I mean, we only had 17 other mages there, there is no way we could have taken out the Frost Dragon with only 17 mages. It’s impossible. (Delley) fucked us, he really did. And I hope he’s happy, he just lost one online friend.”
Delley himself says he plans to maintain his double life and that Stochansky supports him, but changes will be made.
“I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean I still get in game, it’s just not as much as it used to be,” Delley said. “I’ll admit it, I was addicted to that game man, spending about five to six hours a night online. I won’t even get into how long I played on the weekends. But then I met Jenny and I realized ‘wow, there is something to this whole real life thing.’ I’m happy in the real world because, you know, I can touch Jenny’s boobs. Sure you can use the cheat code to make nudes in game, but it’s just not the same.”
Stochansky says she isn’t interested in playing the online video game and that her plans for Delley are more complicated than most people realize.
“When (Delley) first told me that he played that stupid game, I’ll admit, I was a little put off,” Stochansky said. “I mean, I’ve seen the news reports about the people who play those kinds of games. They’re losers, or at least most of them are. But I’m sure there are other people out there like Jason who are just lonely so they turn to online gaming to escape the monotony of their every day life. Then again, anyone who does that is pretty much a loser. But luckily I was able to pull Jason away from all that. Soon I’ll let him touch my vagina and he’ll forget all about that stupid game. And once he’s touched the vagina, the only thing he will want is that vagina and he’ll be mine. All mine!”
Prior to Delley’s return, the Evansville police had not yet started an investigation into Delley’s disappearance as it is policy for the department to wait three months to investigate a disappearance unless the missing person is an attractive woman or cute little girl.