WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.
Beginning in December, American’s that have access to a printer or photocopier will be allowed to print up to $4,000 and spend it as the wish.
“(Printing money) is one of the greatest ideas from one of our greatest Presidents,” said Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson. “If the people of this great country have the ability to make all the money they need and then spend it – what could possibly go wrong? Of course if people try to print money and put it in a bank that would ruin everything so we just have to make sure people spend it on stuff. Oh… and just to be clear, it will be taxed.”
Templates for $20, $50 and $100 bills will be available on the Treasury Departments website by the end of the month.
“In the beginning, we were going to do all the denominations, but then we realized that printing ones, fives and tens would probably cost more than they were worth,” Paulson said. “Like everything in America, we figured we should just go big or go home. We figured that people won’t be buying packs of gum with their printed money. No, they’ll be buying TVs and cars and coke and toys and hookers. I can tell you from experience that hookers hate it when you pay them in singles.”
The pending ability to print money has already begun to help strengthen the economy as sales of new printers and green toner have increased 500% compared to last year. In addition, printing companies such as Kinkos are preparing to staff locations 24 hours a day to meet the expected demand.
“We figure that we’ll see thousands of customers at each of our stores, for the next few months” said Colin Way, CEO of Kinkos. “It’s going to be crazy busy, more so than any other time in the printing business. Then again, when has the printing business ever been really busy? We needed this. We really, really fucking needed this. This will help us so much, you guys don’t even know. My kids will finally be proud of their father.”
Experts are warning Americans to be careful with the money they print for themselves saying that investing money in the stock market, buying houses or buying American made goods could hurt the economy more than it would help.
“What we should really be doing with this money is buying things from other countries,” said Financial Analyst, Steven Hyott. “That way, when those countries try to use that money it will be worthless because it’s not real money. Basically this whole thing could be a great big ‘Fuck you’ to China. How great would that be? I mean those slanty eyed bastards have been holding their good economy over our heads for too long! I say it’s time we bend them over and stick our American cash wads up their sanctimonious asses!”