WASHINGTON, DC – All of the living former Presidents of the United States have begun hazing newly inaugurated President Barack Obama in a tradition that dates back decades. The hazing has included forcing Obama to dress in drag and serve cocktails at a Presidential party, spanking Obama with a wooden paddle and the Baby Elephant Walk.
While embarrassing and at times painful, Obama has commented on the hazing by stating that “the other Presidents are just inducting me into their ranks.”
“You know, (the hazing) is just something that needs to be done,” Obama said. “It’s like taking the oath with your hand on the bible. The guy before me did it, and the guy before him, and the guy before him. It’s a tradition, and I’m certainly not one to break tradition. Well, except for the old, white-guy as President tradition. I broke the hell out of that one. High five!”
Former President Bill Clinton has been impressed with Obama’s dedication and willingness through the hazing process.
“I tell you what, that guy is one tough S.O.B.” said Clinton. “I thought he was gonna break when we got to the elephant walk but he stuck it out. Get it? Stuck? Anyways, it’s pretty impressive. I remember when I went through this. There were a couple things I wouldn’t do, like the Ookie Cookie, but Obama… he’s really into being a President. So I guess that’s good. Still… I’ll never eat one of those Ookie cookies. That’s just damn disgusting.”
In 2000, George W. Bush went through a very similar hazing however; according to former President Jimmy Carter, Bush was “far more intense” about the experience.
“Bush Junior was extremely excited about all the hazing,” said Carter. “In fact, he did his own hazing of himself on a couple occasions when the rest of us Presidents weren’t around. He was kind of a maniac about it. It was his own idea to strip down naked, cover himself in oil and sugar and serve doughnuts to his entire cabinet. And the doughnuts were on his… actually, never mind. I don’t know why I even brought it up.”
The experience of hazing Obama has brought back fond memories to George W. Bush, who plans on hazing himself again, despite leaving the Presidency.
“Man, I tell you what, that was the best time of my life,” said Bush. “Most hazings… they only last about a week. But I let them haze me all the way through to 2003. It was great. My dad tried to tell me to play it cool, but I think that was still part of the, you know, the process. But after a while it got kinda hard trying to figure out new things to do naked. Luckily I had a lot of free time.”
The tradition of hazing incoming Presidents dates back to 1845 with James K. Polk.
“Back in Polk’s day, things were a lot more simple, and a lot less homoerotic,” said Presidential historian Keith Perry. “Back then there was just a whole lot of spanking and various other physical abuses. It was in 1943, with Dwight D. Eisenhower, that things got a little… gay. That year Eisenhower and several members of his cabinet were stripped naked, and forced to stand crammed in a small bathroom hour several hours with explicit pictures taped to the walls. Of course this was the 40s, so it was just pictures of women showing their ankles, but still, it was really kind of gay.”