Local Man Has Surgery to Increase His Team SpiritPublished April 2009 0 Comments | Share:
LAKEWOOD, CO – In an effort to motivate his favorite team, Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies, super fan Justin Tracy has undergone a cutting edge procedure to have more Team Spirit injected into his body. The procedure, which is said to be highly invasive, will up Tracy’s Team Spirit by over 75 percent.
“I really feel that me going through this surgery will really help the Rockies, you know,” Tracy said. “I mean, they went to the World Series a few years ago, but last year they were back to their suck-ass ways. If me going through a little surgery and a few months of recovery will help the team, I’m going to do it. Besides, I’m totally going to get some sympathy pussy. Chicks hang all over dudes who are recovering from surgery. I’ve seen ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’”
The surgery, which will take over four hours to complete, involves making a 17 inch incision in the abdomen, then injecting a special mixture of chemicals directly into the spleen.
“The mix of chemicals is really what makes this whole thing work,” said Dr. Connor Upton, the inventor of the procedure. “What we do is take several things directly from the players of the team and mix it with a little saline and shoot that into the spleen of the patient where it is distributed to the rest of the body through osmosis. Most people want to know what exactly is in the chemical inject but I can’t really tell anyone, as I do have a patent pending. I will tell you that there are certain amounts of sweat, blood, semen, ground up jerseys, chewing tobacco, semen and various other things.”
Once surgery is complete, the recovery time is an extremely painful and slow process.
“We are basically reengineering the body here so of course it’s going to hurt and take a while. Don’t be stupid,” said Upton. “But once the subject, I mean patient, recovers, he will find himself completely unable to think about anything other than his favorite team. He will be obsessed and will want nothing more than for his team to win. Also, there is the possible side-affect of blind, murderous rage directed at his favorite team… but that’s only happened once.”
The procedure, which has been hailed by baseball fans across the nation as “innovated,” has also seen its share of critics.
“First of all, I don’t think they realize how dangerous it is to inject any body fluids, in any mixture, into another human being, let alone ground up sports jerseys,” said Dr. Brian Ludo. “Don’t even get me started on the ‘osmosis’ part of the procedure. Osmosis doesn’t work that way! This Dr. Upton should have his license revoked and he should be shot. Or he should be injected with his own chemical mixture and see how well he fares. The dick is probably a Mets fan.”
Tracy’s procedure is scheduled for next month.
“I really am looking forward to it,” said Tracy. “I know that by the time I recover, the season will be over but I think just knowing that I’m going through all this for the team will really help the Rockies do well. So… don’t let me down guys. Ha. Um… yeah. I just hope I don’t die.”