WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic. Rather than focusing on religious issues, Republicans will begin airing advertisements that will attempt to convince gay people not get married.
The commercials will consist of candid video showing Republican and Christian leaders discussing all the negative aspects of marriage.
By featuring these “reasons not to get married,” the GOP hopes to discourage gays from considering marriage.
“Look, I wish I wasn’t married. Having to wake up next to same, old woman every morning is like a prison sentence,” said Republican Senator Orin Hatch of Utah. “It was my duty as a man to get married and make children. I didn’t want to do any of that but I did… because it’s God’s plan. But if I can help convince gay folks that getting married is just a bad idea then, heck, we don’t have to worry about the gays wanting to get married. Problem solved. Well, I guess they’ll still be gay, but at least they won’t want to destroy the sanctity of family and marriage anymore.”
The first commercial, “The Same Person Forever,” will feature several heterosexual couples lamenting the fact that they must sleep with the same person every night.
“If I knew what I was getting into when I got married, I never would have done it,” said Knights of Columbus Supreme Knight, Carl Anderson, in the first commercial. “Every day it’s the same thing. Wake up, look at my wife, then wish I was dead. I guess there is some very small part of me that still loves her, but you know, they do say that variety is the spice of life. Let me tell you, after 30 years, daddy needs some spice. A man can rely on the internet only so much.”
After the first commercial airs, the GOP has already lined up the schedule for the following advertisements.
“About a week after the first spot goes national, we’ve got the second one, called ‘Sex is Better When You’re Single,’ ready to roll,” said Layne Whitmore, director of the commercials. “Everyone knows that when you get married, you just don’t have sex anymore. Heck, I haven’t had intercourse with my wife for over 30 years. Them gays are all about having sex, so if we show them what life would be like when they’re married and not having sex, then they won’t do it. I wish to god someone had done this for me when I was 18. If I was single I’d be out there picking up some of those ‘Gone Wild’ girls. They look like they know how to show a guy a good time.”
Other upcoming commercial titles include “Arguing About the Money,” “Always Doing What They Want to Do,” and “I Swear to God, If You Bring That Up One More Time I’m Going To Leave You Forever.”
“I don’t even know what the gays are all upset about. You show me 10 couples that have been married for longer than 10 years that are happy,” said Hatch. “Really, we are doing them a favor. By not letting them get married we are improving their quality of life. They should really start to look at it that way. Sure they don’t have any of the rights we normal couples have but at least they have happiness.”
The first commercial will air next week during Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN.