SANTA CRUZ, CA – An epidemic is sweeping the nation as the popular website Twitter is being used more and more regularly to post vague and generally uninteresting messages. If the trend continues, experts believe that all communication may cease to matter.
Messages such as “Go Mets!” and “I’m at a restaurant eating pie” are increasing in frequency.
“The only thing I can liken this too is a virus. Not the computer kind but, like, a real virus. Like Herpes or Chlamydia or something cool like that,” said Professor of Media Studies at Duke University, Sheryl Craig. “One person gets a really dumb, poorly written, insipid message and is then compelled to create their own equally ignorant message. All it takes is some person to post something like ‘saw thing they were talking about, LOL’ and suddenly thousands are infected by the bullshit of the message.”
Twitter’s use and popularity has grown tremendously over the past several months. The infection has even spread to the U.S. Government.
“Now we have Senators and Congress people doin’ Twitter. That’s when you know shit is bad,” said Rhonda Stain, Author of The History of Communications and Everything Else Important. “If you look at all the great collapses of societies through out history, there is a common connection. That connection is the increase of bullshit notes sent between people. Rome finally fell after someone posted a note on a public forum that said ‘L8 4 Meetin @ Coliseeum.’”
Supporters of Twitter are quick to defend its existence by pointing out the recent social change that has used Twitter as a mechanism for communication.
“Really, I’d be lying if I said Twitter wasn’t the greatest thing ever invented in the history of known inventions, LOL,” said Karen Case, a devoted Twitter user. “How else am I supposed to tell people that I’m waiting in line at the grocery store? I have four people following and all four of them want to know these things. Just the other day I was really bored at work so I tweeted ‘i’s borred,’ and I was instantly not bored anymore. It’s amazing how something so simple can be so life changing.”
Despite the perceived good of Twitter, Craig says it’s only a matter of time before all civilization implodes.
“If we continue to give morons an outlet to speak their voice, then it’s only a matter of time before everything good comes tumbling down around us,” Craig said. “Imagine that every idiotic message is like a hammer hitting a foundation of a house. After several billion hits, that house will fall. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor for free speech, but there is a time and place for everything. If you were sitting in a business meeting and just randomly blurt out ‘need to buy new pants,’ people are going to look at you like you’re retarded or have some sort of Tourettes. No. If you’ve got something stupid to say you better have a drink or some other substance in your hand when you say it.”