LOS ANGELES, CA – As film studios continue the recent trend of remaking classic films, Warner Bros. Pictures announced this week that it will begin production on a remake of the upcoming film “Where the Wild Things Are.”
Although the original film isn’t scheduled for release until next month, Warner Bros. Pictures decided to get a jump on the production of a remake rather than devote resources to developing new story ideas.
“When we sat down and looked at the list of films that need to be remade, we realized that we are pretty much all caught up. We’ve pretty much remade everything that has been released prior to 2009,” said Warner Bros. Pictures President, Alan F. Horn. “Since we have a really good feeling about how well ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ will perform, we just decided to go ahead and start production on the remake now. You know, while it’s still fresh, and more importantly, before we loose the license to the film and some other company comes along and makes a better version than we made.”
While new, original stories are becoming harder and harder to come by, film studios have concentrated on reusing existing material and in some cases, just substituting plot with explosions.
“When (film makers) can’t line up a story, we just sit around and brainstorm new and exciting things to blow up. Michael Bay is fucking awesome at this,” said Paramount Pictures Chairman, Brad Grey. “What happens is we sit in a room, come up with all the films that we are going to remake, then fill in the gaps with movies that are full of explosions and special effects. Special effects are crazy cheap right now. Almost as low as our opinion of the American film going public. Ha. Get it? I just burned all the retards in America that pay for this shit. Concerned? Hell no! You think any of those dumb shits read? If this was a TV interview… yeah, then I’d be a little concerned that someone would see what I just said.”
In an effort to make the new version of “Where the Wild Things Are” even better than the original, Warner Bros. has hired renowned director Brett Ratner to give the remake a nice clean polish. Ratner, perhaps best know for destroying the X-Men film franchise, has big plans for the remake.
“Man, I’m so stoked to be able to make this movie in the way that I know the author wanted it made,” Ratner said. “Don’t get me wrong. The original movie will be great. And we’ll want to remain pretty true to the original but there are a lot of things that can be improved. First thing I’m going to do is make the main character Max a hot little 18 year old co-ed. Her name will be Maxine and she’ll be mad at her mom for not letting her go to the big party. Then, we’re going to make the Wild Thing Emil gay, because every hot chick needs a gay friend. Next I’m going to kill off Bernard for no reason. Then there will be the huge war where the Wild Things fight the normal people and the normal people have a weapon that turns the Wild Things into normal people. It’s going to not make any sense but it’s going to be so awesome.”
Shortly after the announcement of the remake, fans of the book have come out against the plan.
“Seriously? They’re really doing that? Wow,” said Darren Bemis of Missoula, Montana. “I mean I knew that the movie industry was out of ideas, but this is kind of ridiculous. What’s next, having a new movie come out and compete with its remake? Or will we just get the remake before we get the original? That might actually be cool. It would blow people’s minds, that’s for sure.”
Despite the disapproval from the movie going populace, Warner Bros. is unfazed.
“Fuck ‘um, that’s all I have to say,” Horn said. “If they want to bitch, we’ll get the Wayans brothers to do a remake of Citizen Kane. And you know what? That movie will be huge because dumb shit kids will see anything.”