WASHINGTON, D.C. – A recent economic study conducted by the Census Bureau has concluded that wealthy Americans actually hate poor Americans. The report also states that the rich consider themselves “much, much better” than poor people and that poor people consider rich people to be assholes.
“Really, this shouldn’t be a shock to most people, but we were really taken aback by how vehemently the rich hated the poor,” said Richard Folds, head researcher for the Census Bureau. “It was really eye opening. Most rich people would just a soon fuck their own dog than associate with poor people. Most rich people would just as soon fuck their dog after it had died than even see a poor person. And I’m talking raw dog here, with no protection. That’s a level of hate we haven’t seen since the Cosby Show.”
For poor Americans taking part in the study, the rich are a group to be jealous of and to mock.
“What’s interesting is that for the level of hate that the rich have for the poor, the feelings are just as strong for the poor towards the rich,” Folds said. “The major difference between the two groups is that the poor hate the rich in a completely different way. Of course they are jealous of rich people, but it goes much further than that. Poor people hate rich people so much that the only way (poor people) would fuck dead dogs is if a rich person paid them to do it. With or without protection. I know that won’t make sense to you right away but think about for a minute. And on top of that, the poor would fuck that dead dog solely out of spite. And for money. But also for the spite. Again… just think about that for a minute.”
While the reasons for the animosity between the rich and poor vary, a common factor is that the two groups do not have the same amount of money.
“The amount of money a person has is a definite sticking point between the two groups,” said Harvard Economics professor Quentin Tippson. “See, what a lot of people don’t understand is that rich people have a lot of money while poor people do not. This angers the poor people into an uncontrollable rage that causes them to work less and play the lottery more often so that they can become rich. It’s really a vicious cycle that only ends in disappointment.” Alcohol is also involved in there somewhere but we haven’t really studied that yet.
The study also finds that mutual dislike does not go unnoticed. According to the study, almost all participants were aware of the fact that the other group hates them.
“Oh yeah, I knows that those rich fucks hate on me, but you know what? They can go fuck themselves in their stank-ass rich asses,” said John Pfifer. “If I was all rich like I wouldn’t treat no poor-ass bitches bad. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them, but I wouldn’t talk shit about none of ‘em. Unless they was workin’ for me or some shit. Then I would be all treatin’ them like shit for not makin’ my coffee hot enough. Or too hot. Whatevah. I’d be rich sos I could do whatevah I wanted.”
The study was conducted over a five year time span and included a series of interviews with both Americans in the top and bottom five percent of wealth distribution.