FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ. – A new study just released from Northern Arizona University reveals that repeatedly hitting oneself on the head with a heavy, solid object may in fact be harmful to one’s health.
“Just about everyone in the medical community is very excited,” said chief scientist, Jerome Leibowitz. “This is certainly a trauma breakthrough here. This could very well be the answer to many of the head trauma problems that are common today.”
The study suggests that large, blunt objects, either made of wood or some type of metal, can cause severe neurological disorders when routinely struck upon the skull. This is the case whether it is done to oneself or by another party.
“When the skull is struck, we believe that the brain will actually smash into the side of the skull. This action seems to cause certain conditions, or ‘concussions’ if you will. If done enough times, we regret to say that it could be fatal,” said Leibowitz.
The test was funded by a grant from the state of Arizona and was conducted by 15 biologists and scientists from NAU. The subjects were student volunteers.
One experiment consisted of hitting a student 72 times in the head with a wood bat, 24 times with a hammer and 16 times with a damp cloth. Damage was only noticeable after the strikes from the bat and the hammer.
“The damp cloth didn’t do as much damage as it should have, or so we thought,” said Leibowitz.
These tests originally used baby seals as part of the experiment, but this practice was ended after protests from animal-rights activists. Later, students were recruited as subjects to continue the research.
Though the team of scientists are not certain how often the skull must be hit to cause damage, they are quick to point out the number may be as low as one, but could be as high as one hundred.
“Really it is all just a guessing game at this point. We need more time to study the effects of each individual strike now that we know damage is done,” said Leibowitz.
Steps to implement protection from the damage caused by hitting are already underway.
“Right now we are in the process of lobbying Congress. We want a Surgeon General’s warning on products such as baseball bats, crow bars, steel pipes, golf clubs and even rulers,” said Leibowitz. “We realize that this may cause some inconvenience, but we all must remember; a good, stiff piece of paper works just as good as any ruler on the market.”
Since the release of the study on Monday, complaints and contradictions have poured into the research lab.
“I don’t believe it,” stated an unidentified caller on a voicemail message for the research team. “You damn scientists want to ruin everything fun. I‘ve been hitting myself on the head every night before bedtime since I was 11-years-old. And I’ve never felt better. Also Thursday maple chicken pump register annex. You know?”