IOWA CITY, IA – After a five-year, comprehensive study on the causes of domestic violence, researches at the University of Iowa have released a list of the most common reasons that spawn violent attacks within the home.
The study, headed by Dr James Morrison III, was conducted by studying 250 homes with domestic violence tendencies over a four-year span. Once the observations were completed, the results were gathered and one more year was spent sorting and rationalizing the data.
“It was a long, exhausting process, but I feel that this report will change the way people look at domestic violence,” Morrison said. “We were completely shocked by the results and I’m sure the general population, with the exception of the southern states, will be as well.”
The study has been met with both positive and negative feedback. The National Rifle Association applauds the study stating that “(they’ve) known that shit fer years” while the woman-dominated group, the Coalition for Unity, Nurturing and Trust, or CUNT, are “disgusted” by the results. Speaking from the steps of the Capital building, CUNT leader Chris Wallace stated that “all of the results point to things that women could have done differently.” After her statement, Chris smoothed back her short in front, long in back haircut, adjusted her flannel shirt and tongue-kissed the mousy woman to her right.
“CUNT is not looking at this study in the correct frame of mind. In this study we were careful not to be biased and not choose sides in the arguments leading to the attacks. All we did was watch and record the incidents as they happened and we did what we could to identify why they occurred,” Morrison said. “Just because all of our researchers are males with a predisposition towards unprovoked violence against women does not mean that this study is biased. I firmly maintain that there is no bias in this study and that these chicks really need to get a life.”
According to the study, the number one reason spanning domestic violence episodes was not “shutting the fuck up” when told.
“This one completely threw us for a loop. We went into this study thinking that domestic violence was an inherited trait, but the evidence clearly shows the contrary. Repeatedly, our researchers noted that a domestic violence episode always followed a woman’s incessant nagging. In one instance, one of our researchers stepped in to assist with the beating after the woman refused to keep her yapper shut.” Morrison said.
Other top reasons include, taking the kid’s side, going out with their “guy friend Bill,” dirty dishes and not giving head properly.
“The blow job one was also a surprise,” Morrison said. “We’ve all been there, but it was amazing that so many people act on the impulses that I myself, have suppressed. It’s like, ‘you fuckin’ whore, I told you, no teeth,’ I mean, can you honestly say that’s never happened to you?”
The study will be released in its entirety and sold at Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Billy Bob’s Fishing Supplies beginning in October of this year.