WASHINGTON, D.C. – Five years ago this month the world became embroiled in a new war, one that has divided the world, especially the United States, along religious lines. That war is the War Against Christmas.
As Christians struggle to ensure Christmas keeps its current domination of the months July through December, an allied force of other religions and nationalities are trying to force the recognition of the other major holidays during the same time period.
“Every single religion has a holiday in the months of October, November and December but every time one of those is mentioned or someone tries to acknowledge them a Christian takes offense and turns to violence,” said United Nations Security Council member Yukio Takasu.
The war started simply enough – with one person trying to be considerate and another being a complete and total asshole as Garret Duchense wished his coworker a “happy holidays.”
“That sonofabitch knows I’m a Christian,” said Duchense’s coworker David Morrow. “And when I corrected him he got this attitude like ‘look at me, I’m Jewish and better than everyone else. I’m not gonna wish no one a merry Christmas ‘cus my religion is the only one that matters.’ That fuckin’ asshole. Really it’s his own fault I killed him. I didn’t think it would start no war. But really, if he just would have wished me a ‘merry Christmas’ none of this woulda happened. It’s fuckin’ Christmas time so people should say ‘merry Christmas.’ I don’t wanna hear none of this ‘happy holidays’ bullshit.”
The death of Duchense caused an immediate uproar and prompted local Jewish soldiers to retaliate by refusing to acknowledge Christmas during any conversation with a Christian. As a result, Christians declared war on the Jewish citizens, destroyed synagogues and gunned down anyone not wearing red and green, the official colors of Christmas.
“It was a massacre like I’ve never seen, and believe me, I lived through the Holocaust,” said Rabbi Joseph Krustovski. “Those Christians are terrible. They would just kill indiscriminately. It didn’t even matter that they weren’t Jews, if you weren’t wearing their colors, then you were as good as dead. Of course anyone of their own that they killed got blamed on us. That’s not right either. We’re a proud people; we can take care of ourselves thank you very much. I’ve gutted 14 Jesus lovers myself and won’t hesitate to hit 15 if I am to be provoked.”
The war has been costly, resulting in uncountable deaths and the destruction of entire cities. Fighting has been most intense in cities that have a connection to Christmas. The city of Christmas, AZ has been completely wiped off the map.
“Christmas used to be such a beautiful town, and now look at it,” said Chris Ward, former Christmas resident. “I used to go to school right over there, and now it’s just a smoldering pile of rubble. Oh, and I got my first blow job right over there behind that burned out house. I probably should have used more cover back then, but I was young and restless. That was some good head though. She did things to me that most professionals can’t do. Yeah, I’m really going to miss Christmas.”
Five years after the war began there are still no signs that the conflict will be resolved anytime soon. And with each passing winter season, the violence escalates.
“Things seem to calm down a bit from January to June, but things really pick up again in July,” Allied forces Against Christmas soldier Waleed Moubayed said. “Those assholes made a new ‘Christmas in July’ just to push us. But the deadliest season is winter – obviously. That’s when the Christians begin their assaults and no one is safe… except Christians. We are trying to even the score but it is difficult to match the Christian insanity this time of year. They are either shopping or killing. Sometimes both at the same time.”
The war has also seen the formation of seemingly impossible allied forces as Jewish, atheist, Hindu, Muslim and French forces have all joined together against Christians around the world.
“I can tell you that I hate the French. Hate them almost as much as the Christians,” Krustovski said. “But if they’re going to take a few of the hits that we’re meant for our people, well I guess they’re alright in my book. But the atheists… they don’t do too much. They are frightened very easy. But when you get one in a corner they do have a madness that takes them and they are then a force of nature.”
President Obama has yet to take a side in the war causing every single Republican in the country to cry fowl. And while Obama has been silent, every other leader in the world has declared the war a “stupid waste of time being fought by dumbshit Christians unwilling to realize they are not the only people in this world.”
“We won’t stop until Christmas is safe,” said Christian Christmas Army soldier John Freeman. “We won’t stop until Christmas programming dominates every single channel on the Dish Network. We won’t stop until there is a Christmas tree in every living room in America. We won’t stop until everyone buys everyone else a Christmas gift. We won’t stop until this whole world comes together in peace and harmony to sing Christmas carols. We won’t stop until everyone that isn’t a Christmas lover is dead.”