BETHESDA, MD – Insurance lobbyist Larry Branagan is begging the United States Congress to give him what he wants most for Christmas – no public health care option whatsoever and a guarantee that health insurance companies will be able to continue to operate as they currently do under any new health care related legislation.
“My only wish, in this, the season of giving, is for Congress to listen to a poor, downtrodden lobbyist who just wants to survive in these tough times,” Branagan said. “I, like many of my fellow Americans, have been hurt fairly badly by the poor economy, and honestly, if Congress doesn’t listen to my pleas, I… I just don’t know what I’ll do.”
It doesn’t seem to be asking a lot but if Branagan doesn’t get his Christmas wish, it’s unlikely that he’ll receive the $100,000 bonus he needs to survive.
“Look at it this way, I only make $350K a year, I don’t think you can imagine what not getting that bonus is going to do to me and my family,” Branagan said. “Little Billy, my five year old, he’s not going to get that bike that he asked for. My wife? What’s her name? She’s not going to get that huge divorce settlement because she caught me having sex with my assistant on the kitchen table. How can Congress, in their deepest of hearts, deny my family these things?”
Fortunately for Branangan, some members of congress are putting their jobs and reputations on the line to help him out.
“It’s a tough world out there right now and we have the cute little 43-year-old show up on our doorstep asking for help. What are we going to say? Of course we are going to try to help him,” said Representative Lee Terry, Nebraska. “Luckily for little Larry, we were able to convince almost everyone in both the House and Senate to make sure Larry’s dream comes true.”
Branagan’s employer, WellPoint, Inc., is refusing to give Branagan any additional “lobbying funds” and is withholding his bonus until he can prove that his task of derailing any plans for health care reform has been met with success.
“We are not the monsters here. We’ve given Branagan more than enough money and time to get what we want and he hasn’t been 100% successful,” said Angela Braly, WellPoint, Inc. President. “We’ve given Larry more than $5 million to spend on bribes and there is still talk about a public health care option. We don’t want to force Larry’s hand and jeopardize his holiday plans but he needs to get his shit together and get that god damned bill killed one way or another.”
Despite the uphill battle that Branagan seems to be facing, he remains confident that Congress will do the right thing.
“You know, I’m like that little girl in that movie, the one with the guy that does that thing,” Branagan said. “She never gave up hope and then by the end of the movie, she had defeated the evil army and had sex with the dude with the long hair who looks like a chick. Anyways, I feel like that little girl. I know that I will defeat the evil army which is the Health Care Bill and I will get my bonus. I may or may not have sex with a dude that looks like a chick, I haven’t decided yet.”