CHERRY HILL, NJ – Scientists working with Gene-O-Topic have made a breakthrough in the fight against Douche Bag Disease by identifying and tracing a key genetic sequence. The discovery may lead to a possible cure and the elimination of the disease all together.
Douche Bag Disease has infected more than 400 million men in this country and is the leading cause of spiked hair, sleeveless shirts and Nickelback enjoyment among men ages 12 to 65.
“(The discovery) is huge. Huge!” said Rutgers Associate Professor, Chandra Vokhoun. “Not only have we been able to isolate the genetic sequence, but using the other data we have at our disposal we can trace the origin of this gene. We now know that the gene first appeared, and continues to dominate in New Jersey’s male population.”
New Jersey has the highest population of men with Douche Bag Disease in the country followed by Massachusetts.
According to the Center for Disease Control, of the roughly 4.3 million males in New Jersey, 89% of them have Douche Bag Disease.
Many residents of New Jersey feel validated by this recent discovery. It was previously assumed by a majority of the world that men with Douche Bag Disease were found in higher concentrations in New Jersey but no one knew why.
“Yo,” said New Jersey resident, Antony Cicerelli. “I was always thinkin’ that all these douche bags around here were here ‘cus they didn’t know what else to do. But now I knows that there is some genetic shit goin’ on that is keepin’ all these douche bags here. I’m just glad I ain’t no freakin’ douche bag. But whateva. Hey, check out these guns. You eva seen a pair of bi’s lookin’ like these here? Nah, you haven’t.”
Now that scientists have the genetic sequence of the Douche Bag Disease work can begin on finding and developing cures.
“If we, the scientific community, can get rid of Douche Bag Disease it will be the single greatest contribution anyone has made to the world since the invention of fire,” said Gene-O-Topic Lead Researcher, Sanjay Yip. “Sure the internet is great and harnessing the atom has been important but just think for one second about what the world would be like without douche bags. I don’t toss this word around loosely but I’d call it Utopia. It would be like that movie Jaws but without the shark.”
Gene-O-Topic has already begun developing possible cures. The company is hoping to be in human clinical trials by the end of the year.
“Finding subjects for any human clinical trial we do will be difficult as most people with Douche Bag Disease don’t recognize the condition nor do they want help,” said Yip. “We may have to trick possible candidates and perhaps put the cure into an aerosol form or in cream form. That way we could put the cure into right into a can of Axe Body Spray or maybe even a tanning cream.”
Families of those stricken with Douche Bag Disease are hopeful that any cure or reduction in the potency of Douche Bag Disease will be available soon.
“My nephew is from New Jersey and he is a douche bag,” said Maddie Samsonov. “It’s heartbreaking. I just hope that someday he’ll be free from this… I can’t. It’s just too hard. I just can’t talk about it. I get too emotional. We tried to move him from Jersey but it didn’t work. God damn Douche Bag Disease! I’d rather he be dead than a douche bag. I’m sorry… but it’s true.”