O. M. G! Can you believe this? It is I, your corpulent collaborator of cool, and I am back with another dishing of gossip and goodness. Can you believe it, two columns in the span of a couple months? I know! What was I thinking? That can mean only one thing! I am so not getting laid! Well, that’s not entirely true. As long as I got my turkey baster and “Columbo” DVD set, I’ll never be on a dry spell! I mean it; Peter Faulk can make gravy out of my giblets anytime he wants to!
Anyways, you’re probably wondering to yourself “what in the world could bring Beth back to grace us with her effervescence and charm in such a short time?” Well my little sheep, it is nothing less than the Oscars themselves! Yes, it’s that special time of year when all of Hollywood goes all Lady Gaga on the rest of the world, and no, that was totally not a hermaphrodite joke. What Lady Gaga has, or doesn’t have between her legs is between her and her hairdresser. That’s not saying that if it’s true I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on her lady meat! Maybe by the time I write for you kids again, I’ll be able to tell you for sure!
So here we are, we’ve made it through the bore-fest that was the Golden Globes, the retard hand clapping of the Screen Actors Guild awards and the sticky goodness of the Adult Video News awards. But now we’re almost to the granddaddy of all awards shows; the Oscars. Who will win? Well, I don’t really know you silly kids! I haven’t even bothered to look to see who is nominated. But I am going to give you who I think should be nominated, in my humble opinion (yeah, right!). And, if you’re good, I might even tell you who I think should win each category. Doesn’t that just sound like the most fun thing in the history of fun things!
First up we have the award for Best Actor. This one is so tough to predict for me, with all the hot hunks of male flesh that are out there! Usually this category is full of all kinds of old guys (not that there is anything wrong with that. Hello! Peter Faulk fuels my masturbation fantasies!). This year though, I think it’s all about the youngsters. I’m going on record now saying the nominees will be:
• Kevin Jonas – “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience”
• Joe Jonas – “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience”
• Nick Jonas – “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience”
• Taylor Launter – “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
• Morgan Freeman – “Invictus”
Now if Taylor Launter doesn’t win, it should be considered a national travesty! But never fear my dear Taylor, if you do lose the award, Ol’ Beth will console you. Console you with my vagina! Or butthole!
Next we’ll go with the ladies and the Best Actress. Usually I don’t pay much attention to the fairer sex, unless I’m really drunk or desperate or bored! But this year it was pretty easy to pick my nominees. What was hard was picking who will win from this stellar list:
• Tyler Perry – “Madea Goes to Jail”
• Cameron Diaz – “The Box”
• Kristen Stewart – “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
• Rain – “Ninja Assassin”
• Michele Jackson – “Michele Jackson’s This Is It”
My first thought on this was to give the award to Cameron Diaz, but I was so completely misled about what this movie was going to be about that I just can’t allow myself to give her the award. So this one will be going to Kristen Stewart.
Best Director is always a hard category to pick. I mean on what do you base your judgment? Let’s face it. Directors are nothing more than babysitters! Either way, here are my picks on a (in my honest opinion) completely worthless category:
• Bruce Hendricks – “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience”
• Chris Weitz – “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
• P.J. Hogan – “Confessions of a Shopaholic” (guilty!)
• Roland Emmerich – “2012”
• Whoever directed “All About Steve”
Like I said, this is a completely worthless category so let’s give it to whoever directed “What About Steve.”
Now for the last and final category that I’m going reveal my hopes and dreams for, Best Picture. This is the most prestigious award that a movie can win and it usually vaults the winner into uncharted territory as far as profit. Does a little movie called “Forrest Gump” ring a bell? Before it won Best Picture, no one wanted to see a crappy movie about a retarded guy that can run really fast. Then BAM! Best Picture and all of a sudden it’s an “instant classic.” Now without further adieu:
• “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” (What can I say about the most perfect movie ever made?)
• “Hotel for Dogs” (What? It’s a movie about a hotel, for dogs! It’s the cutest movie ever!)
• “Fast & Furious” (I rubbed myself both fast and furiously while watching Mr. Vin Diesel strut his stuff)
• “Humpday” (Again, I was completely misled by the title but it out to be a great movie)
• “Whip It” (another pleasant surprise for a movie I assumed was a movie about S&M)
And my pick for the Best Picture of 2009? Do you even need to ask? It is of course, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon!” No other movie has brought me closer to my dream of being double penetrated by a vampire and a werewolf at the same time. Let me just say that this movie made me “sparkle.”
Well there you have it kids, my Oscar predictions in all their glory. With that, I’m off. All this thinking about werewolves and vampires has gotten me all worked up. I’m going to have to go and drive a “stake” through my “heart” to release some of this pressure. Tata for now!