New Report Concludes Most of the Irish Population Are Alcoholic

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A report by Harvard University has concluded that eight out of 10 Irish are alcoholics.
A report by Harvard University has concluded that eight out of 10 Irish are alcoholics.

BOSTON, MA – A recent sociological study out of Harvard University has concluded that 83% percent of Irish people are alcoholic. The number, although appearing high, is lower than the research team expected.

The research team planned the release of the report to coincide with St Patrick’s Day, a day when the number of Irish-Americans unexplainably increases.

“(The research team) now have a really fascinating snapshot of the ‘Irish’ people,” said Thandra Clarke, Professor of Sociology at Harvard University. “I had to put Irish in quotes there because one of the interesting things we found is that 67% of Americans that identify themselves as Irish are not Irish. On St Patrick’s Day, that number jumps to a staggering 91%. When we look at just Boston on a normal day, we find that nearly 87% of those that say they are Irish are not Irish. But with regard to the alcohol numbers, yeah, we expected that to be much higher. Like 96%. In fact, if the number would have been 100% we wouldn’t have even bothered recounting.”

According to the study results, there seems to be no difference in gender, age or economic influence on Irish alcoholism.

“When we were setting the parameters of the survey, we initially were only going to pool men and women above the age of 18, but then we realized we were talking about the Irish, so we decided to include children as well,” said member of the research team, Kellan Eggerty. “What was really surprising is that about 60% of kids aged five to 17 are alcoholics. And of the remaining 40%, like 29% of those kids are only a few drinks away. It’s sobering, if you’ll pardon the pun.”

Although the rate of alcoholism among the Irish is high, the report also highlighted the fact that the alcoholism has very little impact on the day-to-day life of the average Irish citizen.

“Yes it appears the Irish are mostly all drunks but what is fascinating is that we are all extremely high functioning alcoholics,” said Naomi Long, Lord Mayor of Belfast. “That’s what makes the Irish people a proud people. If a British person tried to build anything drunk it would look like hell. If an Irishman built something drunk it would be perfectly fine. Unless that Irishman was Protestant… then it’d be shit!”

Clarke and her team will now begin looking over the results of the study to see if they can identify why only 83% of Irish people are alcoholics.

“We really want to find out why these people are more prone to being alcoholics than, say, you or I,” said Clarke. “The old excuse of ‘oh, they’re just Irish, of course they’re an alcoholic’ just doesn’t fly anymore. We want, no need, to know why this is. Mainly we need to know so we can tell people in Boston that being Irish isn’t as cool as they think it is. If we find out that there is some nasty genetic disorder that causes Irish people to be drunks, maybe all the Massholes will think twice about claiming heritage.”

With the results lower than initially expected, researchers are looking at the data to see if there is a chance that the results could be wrong.

“Right now we are going over the test cases and trying to figure out why that number is so low,” said Clarke. “It just doesn’t make much sense, because the numbers should be a lot higher. Stereotypes don’t come about for no reason. No. We need to figure this out. Maybe people lied. Drunks lie a lot. So maybe the responders were lying. Or it could be that they are just in denial. We all know that denial is the first stage in admitting you have a problem.”

Comments

You bunch of idiots I can’t believe this shit you Americans are a stupid lot of people no wonder nobody likes you 83% of Irish are alcholics ha ha brain dead


Americans are idiots? Have you ever heard of punctuation? Read your comment again and tell me who is an idiot.


This is a bigoted and foolish report and does not constitute “research” by any stretch of the imagination. The fact that they went into this “study” expecting to find that all Irish are alcoholic betrays their inherent biases and sick destructive agenda. It is irresponsible to report that any ethnic group, nationality or person is “alcoholic” without presenting which definition of alcoholism is being used (since there are many) and providing much more data about survey and sampling and data analytic techniques. Data are only as good as the method of collection and there are many competing explanations for these “findings”. Next thing you know they will resurrect the old research findings that certain ethnic groups are less intelligent than others which was debunked decades ago. What garbage!


holy cow dude! This isn’t realy. How do I know this isn’t real? Maybe because the other headlines on the side of the page are “Actor Foghorn Leghorn Diagnosed With Bird Flu”, “Pool Guy, Lonely Housewife Encounter Doesn’t End in Sex”, and “Local Man Realizes He Is A Total Douche Bag”.

Dude, you need a chill pill.


Chill out folks,
get a sense of humour.
The only racism on this page is to be found in Gary’s anti-American tirade!

It’s a parody and it takes the mick(ey) (no pun intended) out of the stereotype, not the Irish people themselves. I don’t find it offensive. I can say that because I am Irish (really – check out how I spelled ‘humour’)!


The Irish drink to tolerate fools, like the one who is doing the study on drinking. Fucking gitt!


Clarke,Kellan Eggerty, ha ha ha ha really….Irish names and yet so defeated , did your Mammy and Daddy hurt your feelings or was it the mean teacher in school??? YOUR IRISH FOR FECK SACK < HAVE A LITTLE CLASS !!has it ever occurred to the likes of ye,that S.t Patrick’s Day is a religious day in Ireland and people do not drink from morn till morn. Unlike the great U.S.OF.A. PROBABLEY NOT!!I think this is a waste of my energy, yes WASTE! Slan. i.e>waste as in shiteeee!!!and a lot of it….


So I guess they don’t have satire in Ireland?


i think its them fake irish that dont get the joke, and if it wasnt..well, i dont wanna know them


So I guess they don’t have satire in Ireland?

Of course not!

The Church banned satire in Ireland centuries ago. Everyone knows that.


A delightful and funny piece of satire. Love, love, love it.


Glad I’m german. Irish people go around drunk cussing and fighting. They can’t drive for shit. Go to Boston and see for yourself. Italians are fake masquerading in bullshit they made up in their head or saw on tv. While we germans are yes partiers too but absolutely real with others and ourself.


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