Las Vegas Amends Laws, Attractions to Lure Visitors

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Las Vegas is considering allowing gamblers to offer their children as betting collateral.
Las Vegas is considering allowing gamblers to offer their children as betting collateral.

LAS VEGAS, NV – With Las Vegas struggling to attract tourists, the city and its business leaders have begun to make changes that will hopefully bring more people to the city.

The most significant change is gamblers in Las Vegas casinos will now be able to make “non-chip” bets; meaning most casinos will now accept bets that are not cash.

“This is huge. Huge! The sky’s the limit with betting now,” said Deputy of the Las Vegas Gaming Commission, Michael Stemp. “What this essentially means is that a guy can bet his car or his house at the roulette table now. Some poor schmuck can walk in, walk up to a blackjack table, put his car keys out and get pair of cards. If he wins he gets to keep his car and will win the value of his car as determined by the casino. One thing we aren’t sure if we’ll allow yet is the betting of children. I for one am totally in favor of it but some other groups have said it violates civil rights… whatever that means.”

According to Casino manager Jerome Anillia, allowing gamblers to place bets that are equal to cash but not cash will entice people to visit Las Vegas who don’t think they can afford to go and gamble.

“People don’t need to save their money for months and months anymore in order to be able to afford to come to Vegas,” said Las Vegas City Council member, Nate Craig. “Now all you need to bring is some stuff that you don’t need anymore. That wedding ring from your first marriage? That’ll probably be worth a few hundred dollars. Your prized autographed picture of Warrick Davis from the movie ‘Willow?’ Here’s five thousand! Now go hit those tables. Really, it’s a win-win situation for everyone. The average person can make more bets and the casinos can make even more money when we sell all this shit on Craigslist.”

Another tourist experience that has already proved successful is movie themed adventures that allow guests to experience Las Vegas like they’ve seen in films. One of the most popular is a vacation package modeled after the film “The Hangover.”

Those that sign up for “The Hangover” vacation package will have the opportunity to solve the mystery of what happened the night before after being drugged by local Las Vegas drug dealers.

“Basically what we do is get a group of people really, really fucked up and then make them do a bunch of terrible shit,” said Vegas Movie Magic Adventures owner, Kelly Sedin. “Of course the group will be chaperoned by one of our employees the whole time so nothing really bad can happen but we will let people do anything right up to the point of it being illegal. And between you and me… we might even let some illegal shit go down. You know, what the cops don’t know can’t hurt them, right?”

In addition to “The Hangover” vacation package, Las Vegas visitors will be able to experience Vegas through “Leaving Las Vegas,” “Oceans 11,” “Very Bad Things” and “The Blind Side” adventures.

“We have a lot of different packages to offer people based on a wide variety of films,” said Sedin. “Like the ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ package. That package is our longest package and runs for three straight months. Basically we get our costumer set up with an alcohol addiction and a hooker and just see how things end up. The ‘Oceans 11’ vacation teams customers up with the task of stealing money from a casino but the package we are really excited about is ‘The Blind Side.” Customers who choose that vacation will get their very own black person for a week.”

The Las Vegas skyline will also see some changes as new casinos are scheduled to be built in the coming weeks. The biggest of these new additions will be a China themed hotel and casino aimed at attracting tourists with the mystique of China.

“Not a lot of people know anything about China other than what they saw during the last Olympics,” Anillia said. “So we are going to bring China here to America and put it in a hotel and casino. We are doing our best to make it an authentic Chinese experience.”

The new casino, Bangkok, is being developed by Wynn and is scheduled to break ground next month. The Bangkok hotel and casino is modeled after the famed Chinese city and will feature thick air pollution, arbitrarily upheld law enforcement, strict censorship and delicious food.

“The Bangkok hotel will be both a marvel of innovation and design,” said Jason Wynn, owner of the Wynn casinos. “We’re taking every thing we’ve learned from the Wynn and the Encore and giving it a Chinese twist. Instead of money, people can play with rice. There’s a lot of rice in China, right? Whatever. I don’t care. We’ve also really upgraded our security and given our guards authority to arrest any guest for any reason. Every hotel room will have security cameras so that our guests know everything they do or say will be seen by someone. Just like in China.”

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