Local Man Wrongly Rewards Son after Terrible Performance

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WELLINGTON, VA – Local man Jefferson Porter rewarded his eight-year-old son with ice cream despite the fact that his son did not deserve any such reward. After a Little League baseball game in which his son, Kellin Porter, committed four errors and stuck out six times, Jefferson took his son to Carvel’s Ice Cream and told him “it’s not so much about winning as it is about having fun.”

“My son may not be the best out there on the field but he really is trying,” said Jefferson. “After the last couple of rough games I figured I’d take him out to get ice cream just to let him know that I still love the little guy… even if he is one of the worst baseball players I’ve ever seen. I really mean that, I’m not trying to sugar coat anything. He’s horrible. I think he was asleep out there. Literally asleep. I’ve never seen someone sleep while standing up but I think (Kellin) found a way. The ball almost hit him in the head and he didn’t even flinch. It’s damn sad.”

After the game, Kellin’s coach, Tyson Setoguchi, openly criticized Kellin’s performance and suggested that his father “teach the kid how to fuckin’ play.”

“Taking a kid that is that fucking bad at… everything out for ice cream after he fucks up another fuckin’ game for everyone else is fuckin’ bullshit and I’m gonna call (Jefferson) out on it,” said Setoguchi. “Everyone knows that you only take a kid out for ice cream if he fuckin’ goes off and goes like five for six with a couple home runs and no errors. The only thing (Kellin) deserves is an ass-whippin’ for being so fuckin’ terrible. If that were my kid, I wouldn’t give him dinner ‘til he actually hit the ball. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if that kid is gay, as bad as he is at sports.”

Kellin’s team, The Mini Mets, have lost eight of the last nine games with Kellin committing 39 errors and hitting .006 over that stretch. It is customary in Little League to only reward a child with excellent performance, not the type of performance Kellin has been producing.

“It’s an unwritten rule that you don’t reward a kid that sucks,” said Wellington Little League Commissioner James Bolland. “We obviously don’t enforce any such rule but every good parent should know that you only reward a kid with ice cream for doing a good job. If you reward a kid with ice cream for sucking than they will have no desire to ever get better because they will get ice cream no matter how they perform. It creates a cycle of suck that could take years to repair. That’s basic parenting.”

According to other parents on the team, Kellin has little athletic ability and has caused the team to lose on more than one occasion. The other parents are unanimous in the feeling that rewarding Kellin for such terrible play is wrong.

“What (Jefferson) is doing is wrong and I won’t stand for it,” said Lynn Couture, mother of Kellin’s teammate. “Next time I see (Jefferson) I’m going to pull him aside and tell him he is ruining everything all us parents are working towards. By giving that little shit of a son of his ice cream after he loses a game for the rest of us sends a message to all the other kids that they can suck just like (Kellin) and get ice cream. That won’t fly. The only way my kid gets ice cream is if he hits for the cycle. And when he doesn’t… we drive over to the ice cream parlor and park in front of it so my son can watch all the kids enjoying ice cream knowing that he can’t have any because he isn’t good enough. Some times (my husband and I) buy ice cream for ourselves and then eat it in front of him. That’s good parenting.”

One outspoken parent has called on Jefferson to punish his child by locking him in the basement without any food or water for a night.

“If (Kellin) was my kid he’d be a better player, that’s for damn sure,” said Jorge Brytz. “I’d make him practice ‘til he couldn’t walk. And if he played bad, I’d lock him in the ‘bad boy room’ until he learned his lesson. There are no losers in the Brytz family. Only winners.”

Jefferson maintains that the reason he took Kellin to get ice cream was to cheer him up after having such a terrible game and that kids shouldn’t be rewarded for only performing well.

“Look, I know what the other parents are saying but I love my son and I’m going to do right by him,” said Jefferson. “This is Little League for Christ’s sake. It’s not like (Kellin) is a pro. Besides, I only have him playing baseball so his mother doesn’t enroll him in some gay dance class.”

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