Kansas Schools Drop Math, Science

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LAWRENCE, KS – Kansas State Education officials again shocked the education world this week by announcing that it will remove all Math, Science and Social studies related materials from its classrooms due to both moral and funding reasons.

In a statement released by the Board of Education, the officials stated “the decision to remove Math, Science and Social Studies was not an easy one. All pertaining factors were reviewed and weighed before the decision was finalized.”

This announcement comes on the heals of an earlier, equally controversial decision which removed Darwin’s theory of natural selection from the state regulated curriculum. Several religious groups applaud these decisions while many scholastic institutions regarded the moves as “ignorant.”

“This is absolutely the right, God fearin’ thing to do. God doesn’t want my Bessie learnin’ a bunch’a stupid things that aren’t right and things she ain’t ever gunna use,” said Batilda Freeman, whose daughter is in the 5th grade in Kansas City. “Everyone knows that God made us humans and then made the monkeys like a couple days later… so we can’t be monkeys. And this Math stuff is just bad, evil I think… when was the last time anyone used that adgerla stuff? Huh, Mr. reporter man? Actin’ all smart with you stupid looking’ thingy.”

Kansas State University Board of Regents member Benjamin Garrison is appalled by the decision.

“When Kansas removed evolution from its classrooms I couldn’t believe it but this last move is flat out ridiculous. The day that decision was released I decided KSU will no longer accept applications for education from Kansas students. In fact, I am thinking about offering a notion to move the University to just over the state lines into Nebraska. The kids in this state are gunna get stupider and stupider and it is all the state government’s fault. And you know it’s going to be bad when we’re talking about Kansas, because they’re all stupid already.”

Along with the statement issued by Kansas Board of Education, several reasons and determining factors in the decision were given. The final factors of each subject were as follows; Math is too difficult and God created everything, therefore math is inconsequential; Science doesn’t make any sense, because God created everything and we shouldn’t question God; and Social Studies is too hard to pay attention too and the only history children need is in The Bible.

Kansas Board of Education members ignored repeated requests for comment but Catholic Priest Joseph Jarrata said “The state has made a glorious decision. Catholic schools in the area adopted similar plans years ago and those children are God fearing and happy. They are ready for what God is going to give them, they don’t need all that extra stuff cloggin’ up their brains. All the need is faith in the lord Jesus Christ and they will have everything they want.”

Students in Kansas will be returning to school for the first time under the new rules in early September.

“I like new rules. Math dumb. Dumb like Satan. God good. Soc…al…um…studies hard and dumb. Make Billy sleepy,” Said 9th grader William Greyson.


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