NEW ORLEANS, LA – American fast food company Long John Silver’s has secured exclusive fishing rights in the Gulf of Mexico as it hopes to capitalize on the recent oil spill. The company is hoping to both make a substantial profit from “already oiled fish” and perhaps remove the oil from the water.
“What we have here is an amazing opportunity,” said Long John Silver’s president Walter Johnson. “The amazing thing is that this terrible, terrible disaster may prove to be the best thing to ever happen to this country as it’s going to cut our overhead considerably making Long John Silver’s delicious fried fish really cheap. The entire Gulf is now full of fish that are already oiled. All we have to do is toss in some flour and some flash fryers and bajingo! Instant fried fish. We’ve been given an incredible gift here and for that may I be the first person to say ‘thank you BP!‘”
With the exclusive fishing rights, Long John Silver’s will now have access to fish and ocean creatures previously unavailable on the Long John Silver’s menu.
“The possibilities are pretty much endless. If it lives in the Gulf of Mexico then it is now on our menu,” said Johnson. “Calamari. Red Snapper. Sea Turtle. Whales. Things you never thought you’d get the chance to eat, you now can walk into any of our stores and get in less than five minutes. Do you know how many of our ‘fish’ planks we can get out of one whale? About 10 thousand. We can sell those things for five bucks a piece. That’s only one whale. We’ve got 75 of those things sitting in a freezer in Texas and we got more coming in every day.”
Environmentalists, while concerned about the expansion of fishing in the Gulf are optimistic that Long John Silver’s will be able to remove the oil from the Gulf.
“As much as I hate to admit it, I think they’ll actually do a lot of good things,” said Stephanie Li, a member of the environmental group Earth First!. “I mean I hate Long John Silver’s because they are a huge corporation and everyone knows that corporations are evil, but if they do what they say they’re going to do, and remove all the oil tainted water, that would be great. I mean, I still won’t eat there because eating any of nature’s creatures is wrong, and I will do everything in my power to get them shut down, but I’m anxious to start working with them to clean up this disaster.”
While they company hasn’t said exactly how they’ll handle all the oily water, Long John Silver’s executives have said part of their plan is to collect the water for use in their restaurants.
“While we haven’t figured out all the details, I can say that we will be able to use the oily water more efficiently that any other clean up method,” said Long John Silver’s lead engineer on the Gulf oil spill project, Terrence Cook. “We’re planning on sucking up all the oil and water and through a secret process, remove the water from the oil. Now here’s the tricky part. We’re only going to remove the water, not the salt. Once that is done we will have perfectly seasoned oil. Can you imagine how good a Manatee will taste when it’s fried in oil that already has flavor? There’s nothing crude about that. Get it? Crude? It’s an oil joke. What? Too soon?”
Only on group seems apposed to Long John Silver’s exclusive fishing rights and clean up in the Gulf of Mexico – nutritionists. The American Society of Nutrition Experts has released a statement saying that the expansion of Long John Silver’s menu to include new, unhealthy fish and animals, will undermine the societies effort to reduce obesity in Americans.
“Are you kidding me? That’s the most disgusting and unhealthiest thing that I’ve ever heard,” said Dr. Alice Bajana, PhD. of the Harvard School of Medicine. “Do you know how much fat is in a whale? Those things are almost all fat. Can you imagine what will happen to this country if everyone starts eating those things? We will all be 10 times fatter than we are now. Sure they’re delicious, but they are so unhealthy. If you absolutely feel you need to eat a whale, remember that moderation is the key. One thing you shouldn’t eat in moderation is Long John Silver’s Hush Puppies. Have you had those? I would stab my mother in the face for one. Yeah, they’re that good.”
While the official plans are not yet solidified, look for the new menu offerings to be in stores across the nation by the end of summer.