Arizona Will Open Camps to Sort Illegal, Legal Hispanics

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Arizona State Legislature has approved the opening of several camps to help the sorting of illegal immigrants.
Arizona State Legislature has approved the opening of several camps to help the sorting of illegal immigrants.

GLENDALE, AZ – To resolve enforcement related issues with a new anti-immigration law, the state legislature of Arizona has authorized opening several camps where law enforcement officials will be able to distinguish which Hispanic-looking people are here illegally and which are naturalized citizens.

Shortly after passing a new law forcing Hispanics to prove their citizenship to law enforcement officers (SB 1070), administrative officials recognized a need for a more organized, concentrated effort to identify which Hispanics are here legally and which are not.

“Driving around, stopping everyone who is Mexican-looking and making them show us their papers is taking us away from actual crimes. So instead of just relying on officers to go find the Mexicans, we are going to round up all Mexican-looking people and put them into one of our camps to be sorted out later,” said Glendale Chief of Police, Steven Conrad. “(The camps) will be so much easier then wasting police officer’s time making them ask everyone for papers because let’s face it, a lot of people here in Arizona look Mexican even when they aren’t.”

The camps, five total, will be spread out across the southern part of the state.

“The way I see it, we might as well keep them camps down there by Mexico since all the Mexicans are from Mexico anyways,” said Arizona State Legislature Majority Leader, John McComish. “And we’re putting them in the desert, where the Mexicans are used to living. I think that’s only fair to have these camps in the Mexican’s natural habitat. From what I’ve seen on TV, Mexico is a shithole, so we tried to recreate it as close to the conditions that they’re used to – with lots of shacks and such. We also didn’t want to put the camps on valuable land so we found the worst bits of land we could, ones that we hadn’t already given to the Indians, and put the camps there.”

The camps idea was presented to the state government by Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

“I consider myself to be a history buff and while watching a documentary on WWII I got this idea that we can use camps, like they did here and in Germany in the 40s to solve the Mexican problem that we have here,” Arpaio said. “Look how well it worked back then. People are still talking about those camps. You really can’t watch anything on the History Channel without hearing Auschwitz this or Buchenwald that. Those camps really left their mark on a lot of people. Of course we won’t be killing anyone in our camps… so that will be a big difference between our camps and those others. Probably.”

Once the camps are operational, everyone in the state that “looks, acts or is related to a Hispanic” has 15 days to report to one of the camps for “sorting.” If someone chooses not to report to the camp, they will be presumed illegal and sent directly to Mexico.

According to Governor Jan Brewer, the sorting process will be relatively quick and humane.

“Every person will go through three simple tests to prove their citizenship,” said Brewer. “The first will be to present proof of citizenship. But since those things can be faked, we have the second two tests. The second test will be an English test and the third will be an American history test. If someone fails either of those two tests we’ll know they are Mexican and we can tattoo them and send them back to Mexico.”

As the immigration issue is unlikely to ever change, Brewer and Arpaio see the camps as a long term solution.

“I really can’t imagine that we’ll be shutting these camps down anytime soon,” Brewer said. “The only thing that would cause us to do that is if we were to run out of Mexicans, and I really don’t see that happening anytime soon. I mean they’re like cockroaches. They’re everywhere. Once you think you’ve got them all, you’ll pick up a box of cereal and there will be about 500 of the little buggers just hanging out. You know what I mean? And no, I’m not really worried about having to go to one of these camps myself because I’m white.”

According to many racists living in the state, the new camps are a positive step and should reduce crime in the state by 100%.

“Everyone knows that all the crime in Arizona is committed by god dammed illegals,” said Clay Patrick of Mesa, AZ. “Wait, that ain’t right. The (African Americans) and the (Chinese Americans) and them (homosexuals) all commit lots of crimes. But I bet you that most of the crime is done by illegals. Except for white collar crime, since no illegals are white collar. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is fuck the Mexicans.”

While relatively quiet, there has been some protest against the camps idea.

“This entire idea, the whole thing from that racists law to these new camps, is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Treating people like animals is not the American way. I thought this was a land of freedom not Nazi Germany. Besides, if the government rounds up all the Mexicans, who’s going to cook my food?” said Brian Flannagan of Phoenix. “Look, that came out wrong but you know what I mean. Hispanics are people too and they are also really good cooks. That’s what I mean by that. Besides, haven’t you guys seen that movie ‘A Day Without A Mexican?’ That’s the future we will have here soon. Scary shit.”

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