VIRGINIA BEACH – VA – Leaders of the Tea Party movement have announced that they are continuing to pretend that they dislike President Obama purely on political terms.
“I know that it’s really not the case, you know because we are all racist and stuff, but we are still standing by the claim that we Tea Baggers are mad at Obama because he’s doin’ stuff that we don’t like even though we really don’t like him because he’s black, and probably Muslim” said Tea Party Express member Denny Tatty. “We just need to get that no good ni… Democrat out of the office and replace him with a nice, white American Christian who was born in this country and who will represent our values… which are white values.”
Despite saying things that are racist and acting in ways which are consistent with racists, Tea Party leadership maintains that the Tea Party is not a racist organization.
“Personally, I don’t consider myself racist,” Tatty said. “I mean, I love ni…black people as long as they are serving me or not robbing me. My favorite football player is black. Well, that’s not true because ain’t no one better than Payton Manning but I have at least ten blacks on my fantasy football team. So I’m obviously not racist. I mean, would you call Hitler racist? No. He was a man who knew what he liked and didn’t like. I don’t like tomatoes, does that make me racist against fruits? No it does not. Unless you mean fruits as in queers. I don’t like queers. And I can say that and not be racist because gay isn’t a race.”
While Tea Party rallies often call for the removal of President Obama from office and a complete reversal of his recent legislative accomplishments, Tea Party members want their leadership to institute many of those same rules and laws – particularly with regard to health care.
“This so called ‘Obamacare’ is ruining this country,” said Tea Party member Ben Nicholson. “First of all, they want to kill me. I’ve heard that if you even get a slight cough, they will put you in front of one of their Death Panels and 17 people who you’ve never met will decide if you’re going to continue living. It’s true, I heard it on Glenn Beck. Then they won’t let me go to my own doctor. They’re going to make me go to some dude, or worse, a woman, who’s probably only doctored for people in third world countries. That’s also true. Glenn Beck said it. Don’t even get me started on the fact that they are going to make all the men in this country take estrogen pills so that the tampon companies can make big profits, because everyone knows that Obama is in the pocket of Big Tampon. It’s true, Glenn Beck said it. But when the Tea Party get in there and make it so all the kids are covered and you can’t get dropped from your insurance ‘cus you got that cancer before you got your job at the Mill… that will be good. Obamacare is gonna ruin this country but the Tea Party will save it by making sure you can stay on your parent’s health care until you are 26!”
The Tea Party movement has been a prominent force in this election year as Tea Party backed candidates have won Republican primaries in several key Senate and House of Representative races.
“It’s getting to the point where we can’t, no, won’t be ignored,” Tatty said. “Do you realize that almost 4% of Delaware voted to have Christine O’Donnell on the ballot? You can’t ignore those numbers people. We’re big time.”
The Tea Party initially started as a result of anger over a ballooning federal deficit but quickly took a more racist turn as racists joined the movement.
“At first we honestly were upset about government spending but then we realized that a lot of people in this country are racist and since we also hate minorities so we used that to fill in our ranks,” said Tea Party Express leader Nick Folds. “But we obviously didn’t want to say that publically so we just kind of pretended that we were mad about spending even though we are really just shitty, racist people who hate all minorities… especially black people… who are president.”
According to some political analysts, the Tea Party movement would not be as big as it currently is without the backbone of racism.
“You can only get so much mileage out of being ‘anti-spending’ when you support the Republican agenda which put the country in the position it is today,” said White House press analyst James McCray. “With the addition of racism, that allows the platform to expand to be anti-health care, anti-welfare, anti-education, anti-democrat and anti-unemployment all while saying they are against spending and ‘big government’ when really they are against all minorities and the programs that are viewed as for minorities.”