GLASGOW, ENGLAND – In a demonstration of his intolerance for imperfection, renowned director Stanley Kubrick returned from the grave this week to “re-do the pile of dog shit that passed for my death scene.”
Kubrick has been clinically dead since March 1997, when he died of natural causes during the filming of his final film, Eyes Wide Shut. Since his departure, Kubrick has been biding his time, perfecting what he hopes will be “ultimate death scene and the end to a glorious career.”
“The way I exited this reality was totally unacceptable. Natural causes is a weak and ordinary way to die and I will not let that happen to me,” Kubrick said. “There was no torment, no beauty to the way I died. Where was the excitement? My death had none of these things, so I decided to come back and do this thing right. My only regret is that I passed on before I was able to finish Eyes Wide Shut. Did you see what those sonsofbitches at the MPAA did to my work? They ruined it and I’ll let you in on a secret, I’ve made a deal with the man and they will pay for that. All of them.”
Kubrick plans to begin preparations his mortal opus in September and is planning on a Summer 2002 release.
“The last thing I am going to do is reveal to the media what my plans are. You will have to wait, just like everyone else. I will tell you that it will be nothing like anything I have ever done. Nothing like anything that will ever be done,” Kubrick said.
While some critics in Hollywood are calling the news a “publicity stunt,” many insiders feel that this will be the apex of the movie industry.
“Just think about it, at least a four hour journey though the process that is death. It will be absolutely fascinating,” said June Krantz, Variety! Reporter. “There is no other director out there that could handle this project successfully. Kubrick will bring the same, heart-wrenching feelings that made us giggle uncontrollably, but at the same time uncomfortable with the homosexual overtones during Spartacus.”
The return of Kubrick is expected to set new trends for Hollywood deaths. At press time there were reports that Steven Spielberg and Roman Polaski have already begun making arrangements for their inevitable deaths.