With Election Over, 10,000 Political Analysts Laid Off

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Over 10,000 Political Analysts have been laid off in the past week.
Over 10,000 Political Analysts have been laid off in the past week.

WASHINGTON, DC – Although experts have said the recession is over and signs show the economy is slowly improving, 10,130 political analysts were laid off this week. This marks the largest layoff of political analysts since 2008.

The layoff is said to account for almost 60% of the estimated political analyst workforce.

“This is single handedly the largest mass layoff from one industry that the U.S. has ever seen,” said John Vanderhoff, Forbes Magazine Editor. “Sure there have been companies that have laid off more people than this, but when you think about it, 60% of an entire industry is now jobless. Think about that. Now all of those poor people will be out there looking for jobs. Granted the workforce was totally overblown. Hell, you didn’t have to know jack from shit to be a political analyst there for a while. Fortunately most of the political analysts are complete douche bags so I think we are actually better as a society now that most of them are gone.”

The lay offs come as the election season ends and news agencies across the country look to reduce overhead.

“Sure, political analysts are nice to have during the election season, but really, after November, what good are they?” said Reid Tanner, Weekend Editor of the New York Times. “Really, they’re a worthless profession. All they do is sit there and talk, and they really don’t talk about things that are really important. All they do is babble about inane bullshit. But for some reason, the public eats it up, which is why we end up hiring them every election cycle. I wish to god that people were smart enough to just form their own opinions but they aren’t so we have to hire these guys. I can tell you, if it were up to me, I’d never hire a single one of them. Even the ones I kind of agree with are kinda shitty people.”

In the last quarter of 2008 a similar layoff of political analysts occurred forcing many to find employment as assholes at parties.

“Looking back, the layoffs of 2008 really didn’t have the impact as this years round, just for the fact that a lot of the ones who were laid off back in ’08 easily found a new job attending parties,” said Vanderhoff. “Around 2006, people decided that to have a really good party, you need that asshole political guy there that makes half of the crowd cheer and the other and the other half jeer. When the 2008 layoffs hit, those analysts just moved into those positions seamlessly. But this year, those jobs are still occupied. Now these analysts have nowhere to go to be an asshole.”

Experts say that they expect the political analyst market to turn around but not for at least another 12 to 14 months.

“The thing about my profession is that the job is very cyclical,” said Garret Weinberger, MSNBC Political Analyst. “Fortunately I was able to keep my job as an asshol… I mean analyst. The real problem is that, like most jobs, when time comes around again, analysts have to compete for jobs with a new batch of kids that are just coming out of college. These kids who are just graduating with their Political Science degrees or their Liberal Arts degrees, are the hottest of the hot. Everyone wants that fresh outlook on things that the last round didn’t have. Everyone is trying to go younger and younger in their demographics, and much like the sexual predator, we need to go younger too.”

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