NEWARK, DELAWARE – In what is being described as a major coup, many prominent witches have given their endorsement to Delaware Senate hopeful, Christine O’Donnell.
The endorsements, announced at a press conference on Halloween, will undoubtedly help O’Donnell in what many are calling a “tight race.”
“I am here today to give my support to (O’Donnell) because I feel that she is a witch’s only hope to get the national recognition that we deserve,” said Elphaba, the representative from the Land of Oz. “For a long time witch’s have been seen as evil. Yes, like (O’Donnell), I like to eat the occasional child. But really, who doesn’t? Given the chance, who of you out there wouldn’t, or hasn’t eaten a child? Just thinking about a little butterball of a kid, mmmm… I’m getting hungry. But that’s beside the point. (O’Donnell) is about to make witch’s respectable again. Because everyone respects her they will now respect us.”
Even though O’Donnell has denied her ties to the witch community, those who spoke out at the press conference still support her.
“A lot of people say we shouldn’t be doing this because she has turned her back on us, but you know, through thick and thin, we support our own,” said Witch Hazel, star of several Bugs Bunny movies in the 50s. “So she says that she is not, and never was a witch. We know the truth. Hell, I was one of her first teachers and let me tell you, she’s one hell of a witch. You should see what she can do with a magic wand.”
Ever since getting herself on the ballot, O’Donnell has tried to distance herself from her past escapades including being a witch, a crusader against masturbation and a liar.
“I have no idea what those women are talking about,” said O’Donnell. “I believe in Our Savior, Jesus Christ. How could someone who believes that a man was born from immaculate conception, who can make fish and wine out of almost nothing and who died then magically came back to life, believe in something as silly as witchcraft? That’s just asinine. Also I never said I was a witch. I mean… I did say it but I didn’t say it. It was out of context. I’m just like you! I’m not a witch… unless you are a witch. Are you a witch?”
While her opponent in the election has tried to use her connections to witches against her, her witch supporters have said that they will not back down from their public support of O’Donnell.
“I know Chris Coons is trying to use us against O’Donnell but no one will have to worry about Chris Coons soon,” said Maleficent. “That’s not a threat that’s a… promise. Garla Delao Terra Ferna Zabidido! There. No more Chris Coons to worry about. Christine O’Donnell wins!”
If O’Donnell wins her witch supporters are confident she will represent witches and be a voice for witches all across the country.
“Once a witch always a witch,” said Witch Hazel. “And besides, she knows what will happen if she doesn’t work to legalize weed. That’s all we witches are really after… the decriminalization of weed. That and legal baby eating.”