ANN ARBOR, MI – According to her friends and family, local woman and new mother Josephine Montrell is “going a little overboard” in celebrating her baby’s first Christmas.
“Holy shit,” said Montrell’s friend Kay Rocho. “I like Christmas and all that but that bitch (Josephine) is goin’ fuckin’ crazy! She’s makin’ her poor little baby wear reindeer antlers all the damn time. Not only that, but they’ve been on her little baby head since the day after Halloween. You can’t be doin’ that shit to babies! That shit will give them fuckin’ brain damage or some shit.”
Not concerned with what her friends and family think, Montrell says the amount of enthusiasm for her baby’s first Christmas is well within an acceptable range.
“Some people think that I’m going a little nuts, but this is something special,” Montrell said. “How many times do you get to celebrate Christmas for the first time? It only happens once in a lifetime! That’s so important. My little baby will remember this for the rest of her life. The first Christmas is as important as a first kiss or discovering your first pube! Those things only happen once and we need to make sure we remember it forever. It’s like the first time Jesus came back from the dead. Not after he was nailed to the cross, but, you know, when he got mangled in that jet ski accident.”
Despite Montrell’s assertion that she is celebrating Christmas appropriately, her immediate family is worried that she may be ruining Christmas for everyone.
“I love (Josephine) but she is getting a little crazy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to paint your baby’s face like a different Christmas character every day,” said Montrell’s mother, Diane. “It’s bad enough that the baby is forced to wear god awful Christmas clothes every day but getting her daughter’s ears shaped like elve’s ears? I… I just think that’s a little overboard.”
Montrell, who describes herself as a “huge Christmas person,” gave birth to her daughter, Abigail, in April. Along with her husband Keven, Montrell had been trying to have a baby for several years with no success until this year.
“She’s wanted a baby for so long, and I think just to be able to celebrate Christmas in the way that she wants to celebrate Christmas,” Keven said. “But I don’t care what she does as long as she don’t bother me none. This is prime football season and I’m in the runnin’ to win my fantasy football league. Unless that asshole Payton Manning doesn’t have another shitty couple games. If I don’t win I’ll never pick him again. But yeah, my daughter… um… Aborigine keeps smilin’ and laughin’ so I don’t give a shit what my wife does to her.”
Montrell has been decorating her house for the Christmas holiday since early October.
“I just keep finding better things to decorate with,” Montrell said. “Yesterday I found this cute little nativity scene. It has Barbie and Ken as Mary and Joseph! Isn’t that awesome? I mean, I have 52 other nativity scenes, but who can’t use one more? I am also gonna get a real life nativity scene to put out front and I’m gonna dress Abigail up as Jesus and put her in the crib. That will be so cute. And tomorrow I am going to take Abigail over to the mall down in Perrysburg ‘cus she’s already had her picture taken with all the Santas here in town.”