IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The Galactic Empire is reeling after the release of several sensitive documents on the website Wikileaks including plans and defense systems of the Death Star space station.
“(The leaking of sensitive information) is something that I never foresaw,” said Emperor Palpatine. “Never did I feel that a betrayal like this would occur. The Dark Side is strong, but not strong enough to see this coming. That one of our own people would disseminate this information is treacherous. The person responsible will die! We will have our revenge.”
A spokesman for The Galactic Empire states that the leaked information puts millions of lives at risk not only on the Death Star but all over galaxy.
“Do you know what this information can do if our enemies read it? It will reveal all of our weaknesses in the fight against the Rebels,” said Wayte Snoodleboop, Emperor Palpatine’s director of Media Relations. “(The rebels) could, theoretically, come along and blow this whole space station up, or any of the other space stations. And then where would we be? We’d be up shit creek, that’s where. There are literally millions of people living on this thing full time. And not even half of them are in the military. Hell, the cafeteria staff alone is close to 700 thousand people. And it’s not like you can build one of these Death Stars overnight you know. I think the Wkileaks guy should be put on trial for treason and have his arm cut off.”
The plans, which were published on the Wikileaks website last month, detail the vulnerabilities of the massive, multi billion credit space station.
“The people have a right to know certain things about what our government is doing,” said Wikileaks founder Jullian Assange. “While this Death Star, this so called ‘protector of the people,’ seems to be impenetrable, the Death Star has some very specific weakness. What I’m doing by releasing these documents is really a service to the Empire. The Emperor needs to realize that this isn’t a moon; this is a space station that millions work on. All we are doing is showing the public that this base can be taken, and possibly destroyed, in hopes that the Emperor will do something to keep our people safe.”
In addition to the Death Star plans, documents have also been released describing the Empire’s dealings with the Hutt organized crime family, the practice of hiring Bounty Hunters and the use of Interrogation Droids despite the fact that the practice was banned after the Clone Wars.
“(The use of interrogation droids) is a sick and rather disturbing practice that should no longer be used, but here we are. The documents detail how and when interrogation droids were used,” said Assange. “Interrogation Droids are barbaric. Have you ever seen one in action? I have. It turned my stomach. All the cutting and burning and probing. It turned me on like nothing else, but at the same time, I was deeply disturbed. And of course the bounty hunter documents need to be seen. (The Empire) hired Dengar for Palpatine’s sake! Have you seen that guy? I’m pretty sure he’s an escaped mental patient.”
The Galactic Empire isn’t the only government fighting to stop Wikileaks. The Rebel Alliance is working to shut Wikileaks down as the locations of several rebel bases were leaked late last year.
“Man, those guys are nothing but a bunch of a-holes. Please excuse my language,” said Rebel leader Mon Mothma. “We had an amazing base on Dantooine that we had to give up because that effing jerk Assange published its location. Sure, some stuck-up little princess also revealed the location a couple months ago, but it was Wikileaks that published it first. If we hadn’t gotten the hell out of there, we would have been slaughtered. I just hope that Wikileaks doesn’t let people know that we are amassing our forces on Yavin IV.”
While both the Empire and the Rebels are trying to get the website shut down, there are several people around the galaxy who are in favor of the information being public.
“Me? I’m ok with the whole thing. There is stuff happening that the public should know about. Shady practices and illegal activities shouldn’t be kept from the public and having more transparency in government is rarely a bad thing. In fact, I wish I was the one providing them with the information,” said a source from the Empire who wishes to remain nameless. “Believe me, the things I could tell them. Did you know the Emperor likes to take long bubble bath with his rubber mynock? He does. Wait, you know, you probably shouldn’t publish that. I mean, that’s something only his apprentice would know, so if that got out, I’d be in pretty deep shit.”