CHICAGO, MD – A recent survey conducted by the University of Chicago School of Sociology shows that almost 100% of Americans are 100% sure all that everything “bad” is everyone else’s fault.
The survey was conducted late last month and included responses from more than one million Americans.
“The number of people that were willing to participate is truly staggering. Apparently a lot of people are willing to talk about who’s fault everything is,” said survey designer and University of Chicago Professor Sharron Bisonette. “Our research team would simply ask if the person who answered the phone had a minute to talk about who’s responsible for all the world’s problems. Everyone was so eager to tell us exactly who they think is responsible for everything and as it turns out almost everyone feels that everything remotely bad is because of the actions of everyone else.”
According to study data, when participants answered “everyone else” the participants typically meant people that didn’t agree with them or watch the same television programs.
“It was weird, but when you think about it, not at all unexpected,” said Bisonette. “Republicans blamed Democrats. Democrats blamed Republicans. Bill O’Reilly fans blamed Keith Olbermann fans and vice versa. What was really surprising was the number of Twilight fans who blamed Glee fans. I always thought these were the same group, but obvious they aren’t. The Twihards really hate the Gleetards.”
The study covered a broad range of topics including violence, health issue, climate change, religion, politics and the economy.
“As you would think, people had opinions on everything that we threw at them,” said Chris Haddock, who was one of the researchers that phoned people. “Even if the person had no real opinion on what was asked, they have an opinion on who’s to blame. There was this one lady that even though she really didn’t know what the health care issue was she was pretty confident that the Russians were behind it. That doesn’t make any sense, but she was so positive and convincing, that I’m leaning towards blaming the Russians as well.”
The study took place shortly after the tragedy in Tucson, AZ where Representative Gabriella Giffords and several others were shot in a super market parking lot. While no questions were asked specifically about the event, most survey participants addressed the issue stating that if other people hadn’t incited the violent act through inflammatory statements, there would not have been an attack.
“Oh, that was a terrible thing, but it is totally Sarah Palin’s fault,” said Karen Gunderson, who participated in the survey. “It was just a matter of time before someone took that soulless cunts words literally and killed someone. It was also all republicans fault and probably the Mormons too.”
“Oh, that was a terrible thing, but it is totally (President) Obama’s fault,” said Denny Stamkos, who participated in the survey. “It was just a matter of time before someone took that communist Muslim’s words literally and killed someone. It was also all democrats fault and probably the gays too.”
According to the research documents, only one study participant said they were responsible for anything.
“Yeah, it’s all my fault. Everything. I’m even the one who shaved my girlfriend’s cat,” said Bryan Savage, who participated in the survey. “I thought (shaving the cat) was going to be really funny, but it was kind of sad. But yeah, I did it. I did that and I’m also responsible for the economy and I’m also the reason there is so much violence in today’s media. Pretty much everything is my fault. But especially the shaved cat. I was trying to cut its hair to make it look like a lion. It didn’t work but… you know, lesson learned. Oh, and sorry about giving Iran the bomb.”