ATLANTA, GA – A recent report has drawn a direct line between the sex-slavery trade and milk shakes. The report is a result of more than five years of research by the University of Georgia.
“Milkshakes are evil,” said University of Georgia Sociology professor and lead researcher Mani Brenner. “The data clearly shows that. Unless you don’t think that sex slavery is evil, then I guess milkshakes are just milkshakes. But if you believe that sex slavery is evil then you should think that milkshakes are evil.”
According to the research, more than 95% of all people involved in the sex-slavery trade have had a milkshake at least once in their lives.
“The connections are amazing,” said lead researcher Marja Ingram. “Who would have thought that this would be the case? Thinking about something that is as wholesome as a milkshake being a root cause of something as deplorable as sex-slavery is just mind blowing. Imagine if you will a nice, thick vanilla milkshake. It’s a hot day and nothing feels better or so refreshing as it slides down your throat and fills your tummy. Don’t drink it too fast though, you don’t want to get an ice cream headache. It’s delicious, right? Nothing beats a cool, creamy, flavorful milkshake. Now imagine a half naked girl, handcuffed to a pipe in some warehouse, waiting to be sold to some fat, greasy, dirty pervert for the fifth time today. That is nothing like a milkshake. Nothing at all.”
While the research team acknowledges that the link between milkshakes and sex-slavery may seem coincidental, the team also maintains that the data proves otherwise.
“Yes it’s true that a large portion of the global population has had a milkshake in their lives. Does that mean that everyone in the world is involved in sex-slavery? No,” said Sanjay Delphi. “But when you look at those who are the ones that fall victim and into the trap of sex-slavery? Young girls. What do young girls like to drink? Milkshakes. How do sex-slavers lure young girls into their vans in order to make them sex-slaves? Milkshakes. See, it’s very logical. And those that buy sex slaves are fat, dirty, filthy, disgusting, perverted pieces of shit. What do fat, dirty, filthy, disgusting, perverted pieces of shit drink every time they go to McDonalds? Milkshakes. The data is there.”
The study, which interviewed both former sex-slaves and sex-slavers, took over six years to complete.
“I can remember how they got me,” said former slave Klara Olsufyevna, who has asked to remain anonymous. “I was sitting in my school in Moscow and this man came and offered me a delicious milkshake. I’d never had such luxury in all my life. He told me that if I got into his van, I could have all the milkshakes I would ever want. So I went with him, and the next thing I know I’d been sold to a fat white man from Texas. He has not given me any milkshakes. Only abortions. I do not think I want milkshakes anymore.”
“I really enjoy milkshakes,” said Victor Petrovich, sex-slaver and seller of young women. “I have a milkshake all the time. Especially when I think about abducting a young girl and forcing her to sell her sex. Milkshakes remind me that I am powerful and rich and that Americans will buy young girls for very much money.”
While the study team does not recommend banning milkshakes, they do recommend that background checks be instituted for those that buy milkshakes.
“We aren’t saying that we get rid of all milkshakes,” said Ingram. “What we are saying is that maybe we run people driver’s licenses into a huge database of sexual predators every time someone buys a milkshake. That seems reasonable.”
The research team says the next project they will undertake is to identify whether or not there is a connection between fascism and cargo shorts.