WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republican Party begins the process of picking their 2012 Presidential candidate, one person has taken an early lead in polling and is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: Dis Pater, the Roman god of wealth.
“Right now, when you look at all of the potential candidates, Dis Pater is really the only one that truly fits all of our core beliefs,” said Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. “First of all, he’s rich. And he’s old. And he’s white. Those are really the only things that we look for in a candidate. After these past few ‘dark’ years, if you know what I’m saying, it’ll be nice to get a Republican back into the White House. It is after all, called the ‘white’ house.”
Dis Pater, whose name in Latin means “rich father” has not officially said he will run for president but sources close to him say an announcement will be made in the next couple weeks.
“I’ve been toying with the idea, and the possibility really does intrigue me, but I have not decided yet,” said Dis Pater. “On one hand you have the opportunity to lead one of the most powerful nations on the planet. Granted, the U.S. isn’t China but it’s still pretty way up there. It’s not every day that someone is presented with that. But the real key, for me personally, is how much I will have to sacrifice if I take on this role. With the power I’ll be able to do a lot of things with money that I really haven’t tried and that’s very exciting. But as President I’d have to deal with things that are not money – like people – and I just have no interest in that at all. That will weigh heavily on my ultimate decision.”
Like many other Republican contenders, Dis Pater does not have a background in politics and has never held an elected position.
“To be honest with you, I’m really lazy when it comes to anything other then getting more money,” said Dis Pater. “My friends have been telling me for years that I should do this or I should do that. But really, I don’t want to. I’d rather just sit around and figure out more ways to get more money. That and occasionally watch ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Have you seen that show? Holy shit is it funny. I know that Charlie (Sheen) is a whack job now, and the kid on that show looks like a bridge troll, but it makes me laugh like no other show before it. Sorry for that digression. But these last couple of months, when everyone started saying that I should run (for President), I started thinking that maybe it was time that I tried something new, you know? I’ve cared only about money for so very long maybe, just maybe, it’s time to think about something else for a second.”
According to recent polls, many Republicans say they can relate to Dis Pater’s love of money. In a recent Scoop News poll, 89% of Republicans surveyed said either “totally” or “really” identified with Dis Pater and his love of money above all else.
“I pretty much like and agree with anything that a Republican says, but (Dis Pater) really speaks to me,” said Adam Terry, a student at Yale’s School of Business. “Every time he talks, he brings up money, and how much of it he has. I like that. I’m a republican, so you know I love money. And to see someone come out that loves it as much as I do is really refreshing. Every thing he says makes me want to hear more. I want to know his position on money for the healthcare. Or his thoughts on money for war. I want to hear his thoughts on the debt ceiling. I want to know if he wraps hundred dollar bill around a dildo and pleasures himself like I do. I want, no, I need to know these things. I’ve never had these thoughts with any other candidate. Maybe that former eBay chick out in California but she was a woman so I didn’t really care that much.”
While many Republicans are supportive of the move, some in the Republican Party are concerned about Dis Pater’s viability as a candidate knowing he is often associated with the death and the underworld.
“If there is one thing that will scare off white voters it’s death. White people are really, really scared of death,” said Republican Strategist Carol Hulsizer. “It probably has to do with the fact that if someone is dead they can not get any more money of possibly because death is associated with black, and you know how much the color black scares our people. We will need to figure out a way to sell his underworld connection to the stupid people in the middle of the country. Maybe, and I’m just spit-ballin’ here, but maybe we just tell the fucking ignorant sheep that make up more than half of the Republican party that Dis Pater only dealt with the part of the underworld that contained Jews. Or Mexicans. Either of those should work.”
Former Deputy Chief of Staff to former President George W. Bush and current Republican strategist, Karl Rove, says Dis Pater may have a real chance at winning the Republican nomination as well as the Presidential election.
“I’d like to see (Dis Pater) succeed, because god knows that we don’t want another four years of this ‘Obamanation,’” said Rove. “But really, I’m not sure if (Dis Pater) is right for the job. I can tell you one thing. No matter how bad he is, I sure hope he stomps out that cunt Palin.”