School Newspaper Accused of Hacked Student’s Phones

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OAKLAND, CA – Rupert Murdoch and his media empire are facing new phone hacking allegations this week after a former employee of a Murdoch-owned high school newspaper told reporters that he was paid to hack the phones of two local teenagers.

According to Jeremiah Veelander, he was paid by News Corp., the parent company of the Washington Heights High School Newspaper, to find out local gossip by hacking two of his ex-classmate’s mobile phones.

“Mr. Murdoch asked me to do it and I was all like ‘no way man. Why are you even talking to me anyways? Aren’t you like super rich?’ But he was all like ‘I need you to do this, for the good of the paper’ but, you know, in his Australian accent,” said Veelander. “But then I was like ‘I don’t know if I should do this,’ and then he was all like ‘here, take all this money.’ And he gave me a ton of cash so I was all like ‘ok’ and I did it. Am I proud that I did it? Not really. But I bought myself a car and have enough money to pay for college. And not community college, I’m talking real college.”

The two teenagers who reportedly had their phones hacked were referred to as “fuckin’ jabberin’ bitches who can’t keep their mouth shut” by many of their classmates.

“A lot of kids at school thought the two jabberin’ bitches, who I will refer to as Tiffany Wilson and Cassie Morgan, were always involved in everyone else’s drama and were always spreading gossip about everyone,” said Veelander. “When I mentioned that to my editor I got a call from Mr. Murdoch within an hour. When (Murdoch) called he was all like ‘we need to find out what these two jabberin’ bitches know,’ but, you know, in his Australian accent. When I got into those jabberin’ bitches’ phones, man, you should have seen some of the shit they were saying. They had dirt on everyone! Tiffany texted Cassie that Rob Young was totally making out with Amber Rogers at Brian McGee’s party even though he was really at Lisa Franco’s party finger banging Jill Meyers. So that little bit of information became our headline the next week. And once we started publishing the gossip rather then news, our circulation tripled.”

Murdoch and his companies have come under recent scrutiny over accusations that employees of several media companies owned by Murdoch hacked the cell phones of politicians, celebrities and in one instance, the phone of a missing teenager.

“It’s unclear to what extent, if any, the phone hacking occured but we are investigating every lead,” said Oakland District Attorney Jamael Stevens. “If these accusations are in fact true, then we will certainly prosecute Murdoch and his corporation. But we do have to keep in mind that we are talking about high school kids and as we all know, high school kids are fucking stupid liars. But yes, we are investigating.”

Murdoch himself denies any wrong doing or knowledge of any wrong doing on behalf of any of his numerous employees.

“I can tell you that I’ve never, personally hacked someone’s phone and I have never told anyone directly to hack anyone’s phone,” said Murdoch. “Now, if someone were to say, take a suggestion that I may have made… take that suggestion literally and run with it, is that my fault? I don’t think it is. I didn’t tell anyone to hack those phones. Did I, let’s say, make mention that I would pay anything, anything, to know what was on those phones? I may have. But that is not a contract. Now when someone takes those comments and hacks someone’s phone and gives me the information that I was wishing I had, is that my fault if I publish that information? No.”

News Corp. purchased the school newspaper as well as many other school newspapers in the area in 2006.

“I bought high school newspapers all over the country. Why? Why not?” said Murdoch. “I now control over 70% of the media that is available to all Americans. Isn’t that great? I can make those god damned dumb Americans believe anything I want. And… if you try to get in my way or contradict what I want to be said… well, I’ll just buy your outlet and fire you. Speaking of which, how much is this little newspaper worth do you think?”

As of press time neither Wilson nor Morgan have released an official statement, though both are said to be “totally mad and junk.”

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