Retailers Stocking up on Halloween’s Hottest Costumes

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Portland, OR resident, Rick Nation, attends a Halloween party dressed as solar panel.
Portland, OR resident, Rick Nation, attends a Halloween party dressed as solar panel.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With Halloween right around the corner, costume shops all across the country are stocking up on what are anticipated to be this year’s most popular costumes.

“Halloween is an exciting time and easily the most popular holiday in America – if not the world,” said Halloweener Costumer owner, Sarah Graves. “I can’t think of another holiday that captures the imagination, love, generosity, reverence and sense of adventure of Americans then Halloween. People spend all year getting ready for Halloween. It’s just the fucking greatest thing ever! Oops. I said ‘fucking.’ Is that OK? Little kids won’t be reading this shit right?”

The Scoop News talked to several Halloween and costume shop owners about this year’s 10 most popular costumes.

Michelle Bachman
“Political costumes are always popular and none is more popular right now then Michelle Bachman,” said Hollywood Costume and Fun Factory manager, Kevin Derent. “I think (Michelle Bachman) is so popular because it’s such an easy costume. You just need a big brown wig, a red suit coat and buggy eyes. That’s it. But you can also accessorize like crazy with this costume. You can get people to dress up as orphans and walk them around with you. You can get a big bible to hit gays with or you can get an IQ test with a score of 35 on it. There are a lot of accessorizing options there and you can pick them all up at our store.”

Man Riding an Elephant
“This is another easy costume but really, it’s only for men,” said Gates of Helloween Store owner, Jeff Berry. “The only thing you will need to get from my store is some makeup and little elephant ears. You see, what you do is, if you are a guy, you pull your junk out through your pants zipper, paint it gray and like an elephant, then stick the little ears on to the top of your cock. When you are done it will look just like you are riding on top of a real live elephant.”

Jonathan Cheechoo
“This one should be pretty obvious,” Derent said. “I mean, because Cheechoo is only the greatest hockey player to ever play the game of ice hockey. Sports stars are easy, especially when they’re as big as Cheechoo. All you need is a full set of hockey gear and a Peoria Rivermen Jersey. It’s really simple.”

Creepy Drunk Guy Who Hangs Out at the Back of the Club Staring at Women
“This costume is popular every year and will probably be popular for the rest of forever,” said Graves. “For this costume you need to buy our full Creepy Drunk Guy who hangs out at the back of the club staring at women set. It comes with a faded and dirty flannel shirt, a hat with a beer logo on it, a beer mug, a mustache and a little container of pills. If you wear this costume and stand in the back of a club I guarantee people will think you are a Creepy Drunk Guy who hangs out at the back of the club staring at women.”

Drunk Chick in Terrible Costume
“This one is similar to the Creepy Drunk Guy who hangs out at the back of the club staring at women and in many ways is the perfect companion costume for someone dressed as Creepy Drunk Guy who hangs out at the back of the club staring at women,” said Graves. “This costume comes with a ripped, ill fitting lime green dress, one fairy wing, and a make-up smear kit. It also comes with ‘vomit’ stains on the front and back. This is just a good all around costume, but the problem is that it’s a popular one. You’ll probably see several hundred versions of this costume out and about this year.”

Quadriplegic
“This costume is strictly for the diehard Halloweener since it involves actually removing all of your limbs,” said Maniac Matt’s Madhouse of Mayhem and Also Halloween Costumes owner Rebecca Graust. “It takes a real commitment to do this costume right, but when you do, it is a sure fire winner in any costume contest. Most people think that the hardest part is getting your arms and legs removed, but really, it’s learning how to drive the wheelchair accessory with your mouth.”

Jane Foster From Thor
“That Thor movie was a huge movie last summer and everyone’s favorite character from that movie was Jane Foster, played by Natalie Portman. So a lot of people will be dressing up like her this year,” said Berry. “This is one of the more complex costumes that we have this year. I mean it consists of a nice top and some slacks. Do you know how hard those things are to find this time of year? It’s nearly impossible. But if you can get it, you will totally be the winner of any costume contest. Well, unless some one comes dressed as a quadriplegic.”

Dog Wearing a Shark Costume
“Dog costumes are getting more and more popular and this year one of the most popular costumes for humans is dressing up like a dog that is dressed up,” said Derent. “The great thing about it is you’re really wearing two costumes, so people will be doubly impressed. Out of all the costumes, the dog dressed as a shark seems to be the most popular. Me personally, I would go for the dog dressed as Yoda from Star Wars, but I’m a dork like that. The shark one though is really cool. It totally looks like a dog that’s dressed up like a shark. It’s really cute.”

A Solar Panel
“The great thing about this costume is that it really is a solar panel, so you can charge things like your cell phone or iPod,” Graust said. “Of course as great as this costume is, it does have its drawbacks… the main one being that Halloween is a night time holiday. So, you know, the sun isn’t out so it kinda makes the costume worthless. Except for the fact that it is a really great costume.”

Naked Man/Woman
“This is just the all around classic costume,” Graves said. “This year though, with the economy in the shitter, a lot of people are planning on going as actual naked people. In years past, there were always the flesh colored body suits that you could buy that made it look like you were naked. But now, those are just way too expensive. I know that this is what I’m planning on going as this year. I just hope no one laughs at the size of my cock.”

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