NEW YORK, NY – A student at NYU has expressed disappointment regarding his “Occupy My Pants” party that occurred last weekend in the student’s dorm room.
Student Brendon Steils had hoped that his “Occupy My Pants” party would result in him having sex with numerous female students but the only attendees of the party were his roommate, a male Biology 202 classmate, and three men that none of the other attendees knew.
“It was totally going to be off the hook, and then it wasn’t,” Steils said. “I handed out like 5,000 fliers to just about every hot girl in this school and not a single one came? What the fuck is that all about. I even gave some fliers to some real uggos, figuring that at least I could get a beejay or something. But even they didn’t show. I was all like ‘what?’”
Steils planned the party over the course of three days and got the idea from watching news coverage of the Occupy Wall Street movement.
“I totally got the idea for an awesome party by watching those hippies down the street protesting Wall Street or something,” said Steils. “It was a totally original idea and when I told people about it they kept saying ‘wow, what an original idea. You are so smart. No one has thought of that before’ so I was sure the party was gonna go off! But then no one showed up except for a couple dudes I know and some assholes that I’ve never seen before.”
The other party attendees were also disappointed with the “Occupy My Pants” party and Steils’ promises about the number of female students that were likely to attend.
“I heard from my friend John, who heard from his cousin Stevie that there was going to be so much female that that you couldn’t even turn around without putting a dick into another vag,” said attendee Scott Watkins said. “But then me and my boys get there and there are only a couple of other dudes. Bullshit! I wanted to go but then my boy Frank the Fist, he said that we should wait, because the bitches would be there any minute. But you know what? Those bitches never came. And neither did I. I was so mad I had to get into a fight with a guy wearing an Islanders hat on the way home.”
Steils gave fliers for the party to every female student and faculty member he knew and spent three hours handing flyers out to female students on campus.
“Yeah, I got one of those fliers,” said NYU student Charlotte Kreisnik. “(Steils) handed me a flier in Brit Lit and I just looked at him and said ‘wow. An occupy party. What a smart and totally unique idea. It’s amazing that no one else has thought of this yet.’ I was obviously being very sarcastic but I’m not sure he got that. He just said ‘yeah I know! It’s gonna be sick.’ But no, I had no intention of going. That party sounded lame and also (Steils) is kind of a turd.”
Despite the disappointing turnout, Steils is planning on a second party based on the Occupy Wall Street theme.
“I think there is a lot there to capitalize on, you know?” said Steils. “One of the dudes at the party said that we should do an ‘Occupy My Ass’ party. Now I’ve never given it to a chick in the butt before, but I’m totally down for it. The dude said he would even get everything started and get the people there. That’s cool. The less I have to do the better. But he’d better come through or I’ll… whatever man. He’d just better get some chicks there. I don’t want to graduate a virgin!”