WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and the group Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.
Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.
“For far too long this so called ‘Saint’ has been coming into our air space illegally, and bringing with him contraband,” said Senator Jim DeMint (R, SC). “How are we to know what this man is bringing into the country? For all we know he could be smuggling Mexicans in here. We don’t know. Or he could be bringing with him terrorists that want to kill our children and bather in their blood. We don’t know. That’s why his free reign over our country needs to stop.”
Claus has spent the last several hundred years delivering presents, for free, to “good” boys and girls across the world on Christmas Eve. Giving away presents for free has long put Claus at odds with toy manufacturers.
“Ho, ho, ho, they don’t like me very much, no sir!” said Claus. “They try something like this every few years, and it’s never stuck, but this year seems different. This year, they might have actually gotten their act together and figured out a way to stop me. We’ll, stop me in the loosest sense of the word. Nothing can stop me, ho, ho, ho! Why, I’m like a fat ninja. You never see me coming. And just when you think you do, zoom, I’m off quicker than you can say gingerbread.”
The set of laws were championed by DeMint and written, in part, by lobbyists from several of the world’s largest toy manufacturers.
“For years the government has been trying to get businesses to stop going overseas for their manufacturing and yet this Jerry Sandusky wannabe (Claus) comes around every year handing out free toys. That’s not right,” said Mattel spokesman Rena Bonterpu. “How does giving away free toys that were made by slave labor in another country make our economy any stronger? Claus shouldn’t be celebrated, he should be put in jail. I heard there was lead in every single one of his toys and that if you let your child play with something from Claus your kids will catch the AIDS.”
Arguing against the new laws, lawyers for Santa Claus and Keep Christmas Free say that Claus will now be unable to deliver toys to children in The United States this year.
“The people behind these new laws say they want to keep America safe and keep the playing field level but all they’ve done is lockout Claus from being able to do his job,” said Claus’ attorney Glen Steinsten. “All congress has done is ensure Claus can’t deliver presents to all of the deserving children in the US. They’ve done this because Claus gives something away for free and the toy companies can’t compete with that. With Claus out of the way toy companies are now the only place to turn to for presents. There is no industry more cutthroat and evil as the toy industry.”
Republicans in the House of Representatives, who voted as a party unanimously for the new set of laws, stand firm on the statement that the new laws will not restrict Claus but will instead ensure that America is safe.
“Claus can still do his thing; he just has to follow the rules to do it. Is that really a bad thing?” said Representative Timothy Huelskamp (R, KS). “The last thing we need is for a fake Santa Claus to come in to this country and behead all of our children. Like in Mexico. That sort of thing happens every day there. Do you want that to happen here? Do you want some fake Santa to kill American babies? I didn’t think so. Because that’s what would happen. In fact, I just heard about that very thing happening in Arizona somewhere. Don’t look it up though, just trust me on it. And trust Rush Limbaugh because he’ll tell you the same thing after he gets the memo.”
Claus’ lawyers are hoping to stop the laws from taking affect this year but say they are not optimistic.
“I wish I could say that I think we can stop these rules from taking affect but I just don’t see that happening before Christmas Eve,” said Steinsten. “I guess kids all over the country will have to settle for Transformers and video games and My Little Ponies instead of good nice wood carved trains and checker boards.”